After a 6 month hiatus January 17, 2008

The infamous book liberator is back!  After 6 months, we’ve gained two kids, lost two kids, and gotten two more.  The house has been a little wild now that we have settled in with two toddlers, who have promptly moved MY paperbacks to a clever under-the-bed device and moved in their boardbooks and Dr. Seuss books. 

This bibliophile couldn’t be happier.

I will also be a stay at home mom at 4 pm tomorrow which means I can make updates during nap time!  It’s amazing really… thinking that I could go from squeezing a post into the last 15 minutes of my lunch break to actually having an hour for naptime. 

It’s a beautiful thing.

Adoption Update April 26, 2007

We finished our IMPACT classes! Yay!  Now, we just have to get this buttload of paperwork in, go to our CPR certification on May 12th, get our physicals and drug screenings in, and then wait for the homestudy to start.

So, we’re a lot closer than we were but still so far away.  It almost seems like time is flying way too fast.  It’s like our weekends will never be back to normal.  That’s a good thing, but it’s also a disconcerting thing.  Weekends are now either class or working on paperwork or working on the house. 

We have one room converted back into a kid’s room with a twin sized bed.  The walls are a denim color and the bedding is a funky tan and brown print so it should work for either gender.  It’s definitely adaptable.  Now we just have to convert the office into a kid’s room.  I’m thinking maybe the same color paint and bunkbeds.  Even if we don’t get more than two kids, it’ll still be good for sleepovers and the such.  I also remember that as a kid, I LOVED sleeping on the top bunk.   We can make it so the bunk is really a loft bed so that a dresser and a desk can go under it if the kid wants.  Entirely adaptable.

I also want to repaint and spiff up the guest bathroom since the kids will be sharing it.  It’s kinda grungy right now - nothing a good scrubbing, fresh coat of paint, and new fixtures won’t fix.  I’m thinking about a very modern, fun style in there.  We can do brushed chrome towel racks and tp holder with the same denim paint.  Spiff up the storage areas, take the door off the linen closet and move the litter box into the closet, and put in new shelving with cute little containers for personal products.  I’m thinking about a very stylish version of a college dorm bathroom so that it can handle high traffic well. 

Doctors call this “nesting.”  I didn’t figure that since I wouldn’t be pregnant that I would still go through this, but I am.   It turns out that most of the horomone surges actually happen in all prospective moms, regardless of paper-pregnant or physio-pregnant.  We’re looking at a possible placement by the end of summer if there aren’t any hold-ups so I’m starting to freak out about all the supplies.  Sheets for the beds, washed and folded.  Extra towels.  Hampers for dirty clothing.  Storage for clothes and toys.  I’m not just an OCD control freak, I’m now an OCD control freak on hormones.  Fun fun.  Anyone want to come help me paint and lay new carpet?  I pay in pizza and beer.

Sex and Race April 20, 2007

I’m currently reading Sex God by Rob Bell.  Google him - it’s worth it.

The proverbial light just clicked on for me while I was in the tub reading.  I do this often - I find a book I want to read, not one I have to read, and I fill the tub with hot, hot water and scented bubbles.  I float my rubber ducky in snorkeling gear in the bubbles and I sit and read.  It’s particularly fun if the book is brand new, like Sex God is, and the pages are still stuck together from the manufacturing process.  Every turn of the page is a subtle pull that reminds you that you are reading a brand new book.  It’s like putting elmer’s glue on the palm of your hand and peeling it off or like popping every last air pocket in a roll of bubble wrap - it’s addicting. 

Back to the proverbial light. 

I have always been very uncomfortable with the groups that claim to be for civil rights and for human rights.  I agree that the causes are more than worthy, but I have never been able to adequately explain what I mean by “reverse racism.”  I have this amazing gift for compassion and empathy towards others.  I have never had a problem crying with someone who is hurting or laughing with someone who is joyful or excited.  My mom always says “treat every person you meet as if they are God.”  So… when I hear things like “the white man is pushing us down” I am not only very sad but very uncomfortable. 

I feel like I can’t live in my own skin.

Because these groups know nothing about me.  I am dehumanized to the point that they were dehumanized.  Yes, Africans were sold into slavery like cattle and that is very, very bad.  No one should disagree with that.  They were not treated with love, respect, honor.  They were less than human.  Told they didn’t have a soul.  No one grieved with them at the loss of a loved one or laughed and hugged with them when a baby was born.  Less than human - incapable of real human thought and emotion.

And now, I am part of the ethnic group that did it so I am automatically “priviliged,” “an oppressor,” I am just an emotionless whip wielder.  But I’m not - I’m human.  I’ve cried at the loss of a loved one and I’ve laughed and hugged at the birth of a child.  I’ve overcome hard things, I’ve faced serious challenges, I’ve survived.  I’ve also said stupid things and done stupid things and hurt other humans with souls.  I deal with that.

But these groups - they’ve done and said stupid things.  They deal with that.  We’re human.  We move forwards, not backwards.  We make mistakes and learn and walk on.  We try, we fail, we hurt, we grieve.  We try, we succeed, we experience joy, we grin like crazy.  We share experiences and help each other walk on.

And this path of thought got me to thinking about how most mass murderers are white males.  (This is just a theory, so please don’t flame me while telling me how wrong I am.  Just give me civil reasons why - I am human, after all.)

I wonder if this has something to do with the ideas of racism and “humanity classification.”  I am female.  He is not.  I am white (mostly.) He is not.  The haves have become the have nots in today’s society. 

If a young black man - say 13 or 14 - steals from a convenience store, there are many groups of older, successful black men to say to him “been there, done that, got the sealed juvie record to prove it.  Here is how I’ve overcome it, friend, and together we can get through this.”  I know this is not the only case - many young black men never get to meet the older black man. 

Say a young white man - say 13 or 14 - steals from the same convenience store.  This young man has exactly the same economic status.  He lives in the same part of town.  He is identical to the young black man in every way except for race.  Sitting here writing this, I can think of maybe one single organization that matches young white males with an older man of ANY race.  There are no special interest groups for young white males.  Are you kidding?  That would be shot down as so incredibly racist that the org wouldn’t even have a logo designed by the time they were compared to the KKK.  I guess you could point out that the American congress is an organization for white folks…

The media is pointing out how young, white men are causing most of the problems in schools these days.  How they are depressed and detached and acting out in all sorts of destructive ways.  They try and join the social group where they think they can be understood and get called names like “wigger” and “crunk cracker” by both racial groups.

And we are so addicted to this race issue.  We want to find every divide so we have a reason for this hate and anger and disconnection inside us.  I didn’t get that promotion because I’m female and he’s uncomfortable with the fact I have nice boobs.  I got fired because someone of the same skin color as her needed a job. 

This hate and anger, it’s not really against people - it’s against our feelings of not being loved and not being accepted.  It’s about being pushed outside of the circle of who is considered human and worthy.  It’s about laying alone in the dark, wondering if there are monsters who are human lurking outside, wondering if you will be destroyed simply because you exist.  It’s about fear and the lack of connection.

It’s not about race at all - we just need a scapegoat. 

It’s not about gender at all - we just need a prop.

It’s because somehow we think “you don’t love me because…” and then we have to come up with something.  If I can’t lay the blame on you for not loving me, then the blame must lay on me.  We think “is it possible that I’m not worthy?”

And sometimes, people decide that it’s true.  That not only am I not worthy, but you made me realize that.  And I hurt and I grieve and I want you to hurt and grieve and somehow, some way, I can connect with that.  All I know is pain and hurt and grief.  Someone, please understand me and tell me you’ve been there.

And sometimes people find people who know the feeling and can connect and grieve and hurt and heal with them.  They move on to help others who may be hurting and grieving and trying to connect.

And sometimes no one finds them in time.  They are crying out for help and sinking further and further into the madness that has become the cycle of hurt, pain, grief, no connection or understanding, hurt, pain, grief… Until this is all they know.  The people tell them that they shouldn’t be like this.  Something is wrong with their humanity.  They’ve had everything but a silver spoon offered to them and they must just be pure evil or need to be locked up for life and force fed drugs to make them better. 

South Korea is the “model minority group” in America.  That’s a lofty goal to reach.

White males have held the power in America since colonization.  That’s a lofty goal to reach, and besides, Americans say that it’s an evil goal. 

But there are so many people who are just like them underneath the labels - who hurt and grieve and want to connect but our labels keep us from finding each other.

So the internet gets huge.  Where I can connect and no one can see my label.  I am not male or female.  I am not black, white, or asian.  I am words on a screen and finally someone says they understand me - but I am still not human to them.  We’re back in grade school, at the age where children don’t realize that people exist outside their own minds and imagination. 

Hey, you exist, words on a screen guy - come join me in this chat room.  Come play Unreal Tournament online with me.  Listen to me.  I cannot speak in real life because they laugh at me, but here I am whatever I want to be.

And without ever realizing it we are all counselors on the internet.  We have a common need to connect, and sometimes, people don’t tell the truth.  We are not there to see their facial expressions and the shaking of their hands.  We cannot pull them into a hug.  We can say something humorously and all of a sudden - the reader doesn’t see it as humorous but rather as the serious, plain truth.

And the internet isn’t bad.  And video games aren’t bad.  And guns aren’t bad.  And race isn’t bad. 

All those things have an enormous potential for good.

And people aren’t bad. 

All those people have an enourmous potential for good.

My God.

He meant for us to be people and to do good.  But we got disconnected. 

James Langteaux in God.com talks about plugging into a power supply.  So many times we are running off of a dying car battery instead of hooking directly into the power center that God is.  We are trying, but we are failing and fading because we don’t get enough.

Until we just don’t work any longer… and sometimes we are thrown away.  Where exactly does garbage go?  (To steal another of Mr. Bell’s euphemisms.)

You can see where I’m going with this.

“If I hurt, we are all going to hurt together.  Forever.  I can’t fix it and now I’m past the point of every salvation I know about.”

And then where does garbage go?  Where does the beloved toy that’s suddenly broken go?  It goes in the trash and it hurts to bad to love it anymore so we find something else to love. 

Even though it hurts me, and I never knew Mr. Cho as a person, I recognize him as a human.  I cannot hate him.  He is not the enemy.  He is as much of a victim of his actions as anyone. 

Because when it comes down to it - there is no answer to “you don’t love me because…”  There is no person to blame.  It is not you, it is not me, it is not our circumstances, it is not our color or creed or purpose. 

Because I cannot believe that “you don’t love me” is a true statement.  You may not know you love me, but if I were the random victim on the news tomorrow - you would love me.  You would never connect me to this blog entry.  You would say “that poor, beautiful woman in the prime of her life is now gone and I will grieve.  We have lost so much potential.  We have lost something valuable.”  You would have never known me otherwise and that’s not your fault.

Because I don’t know you either.  I don’t know that I love you even though I do.  I can only imagine what your life is like right now and my imaginings are probably not half as bad as it really is.  We are beautiful humans living in this poor, screwed up world and instead of pulling heaven to us, we are simply wallowing in the hell that it is. 

I don’t know you.  I don’t know your labels.  I can’t see where you fit in stereotypically.  I don’t know if you’re a thug or a skater or a goth.  I don’t know if you were picked on in school.  I only know that you are real and you are one of many who are real that I will never, ever get a chance to know. 

But I do love you. 

Educate the Educatable April 17, 2007

I know everyone is watching the blog world today, as am I.  I keep seeing a common thread that I feel is a misconception. 

It’s not a popular area today, but it’s about handguns.

Most handguns are semiautomatic.  I know it’s a big, scary word but it isn’t really.  Consider a handgun for what it is for a moment and not what it’s used for.  It’s a fairly simple machine.  The trigger pulls back a hammer which strikes a load of gunpowder, causing the bullet to exit the barrel. 

It’s much like a car.  To oversimplify things, in an automobile engine, a piston compresses an air/gas mixture into a chamber where a spark plug ignites the small explosion, causing the piston to rise again.  Pistons are paired so that one rising forces the other down, causing the compression.  You see where I’m going with this?

Ok, here’s the difference between semi-auto and automatic firing.

In a handgun, part of the safety feature of a semi-auto is to make the first trigger pull extremely hard.  This is so that if a target shooter is lining up his aim with his finger resting on the trigger, the gun won’t accidentally go off.  You have to mean to pull the trigger to fire a semi-auto the first time.  My dad likes to say “squeeze” the trigger - he means that if you pull it instead of squeezing it, you screw up your shot.

The only way to reduce the first shot trigger-pull (other than mechanically altering the gun) is to pull back the hammer.  I find that most of the time when I target shoot, I have to pull back the hammer.  Carpal tunnel, y’know? 

After the first shot, the gun allows the remaining loads to be fired with about half the trigger pull of the first shot.  You still have to pull the trigger every single time you fire the gun.  It takes about 10 seconds to fire a 9 round magazine. 

Also, for a 9mm semi-automatic handgun, you must insert the magazine into the handle of the gun, pull back the slide to chamber the first round, turn off the safety, and then fire the first shot.  It is not a gun you can drop and have it go off (although please know that you should not drop a gun - if it is improperly loaded, is crappily made, or hits right on the hammer, it may fire.)  I can fire a 9mm if I really want to, but it’s not my handgun of choice when target shooting.  I have tiny kid hands and it’s hard for me to grasp the slide and to manage the recoil.

Fully automatic weapons, on the other hand, scare me and are illegal in many places.  A fully auto gun has to have the trigger pulled and held to fire all of the rounds.  Most weapons need to be altered to cause them to be automatic and the trigger pull is sometimes altered as well, turning it into a ‘hair trigger’ weapon.  It can take less than a few seconds to empty a full magazine.  There is no distinctive pop-pop-pop.  It sounds more like a motorcycle.  No one needs a fully automatic weapon. 

Because I don’t want to sound like one of those NRA gun nuts, I just want to briefly mention my political leanings.  When it comes to drugs and guns, I do not believe in legislation for a single reason - a highly profitable black market (run by the very criminals we don’t want to have guns and drugs) is automatically created.  Black markets breed violence, underground networks of criminals, and where there is a lot of money involved - wars between the networks. 

History has shown us the facts of legislative control over substances.  Consider Prohibition and the violence and cunning of moonshiners.  Those illegal stills can be found and operative to this day.  I believe a lot of thought about the outcomes should be put into place before any restrictive legislation is passed. 

I’m not big on guns but I do own one.  I own it legally and the government knows where to find me if it is ever used in the commission of a crime because it is registered.  People who want guns no matter what will get guns no matter what.  People who want drugs will get drugs no matter what.  People who want to pay for sex will find someone selling sex no matter what.  Obviously the only ones obeying the laws are the ones who would have obeyed their own morals had the law not existed.

I believe education on such matters is much more important than simply saying “No! Bad citizen!”  If you know and respect such things, you are much less likely to break the laws of humanity.

And the politicians roll April 17, 2007

I just finished a book by Richard North Patterson called No Safe Place.  I’ve read it three or four times and it’s one of my favorites.  In it, a gunman storms an abortion clinic, killing three people.  That same day, the politicians jump on it using it as a club to beat their issues to death. 

Yesterday afternoon I started to see the same thing come from the politicos who are going on air to offer “condolences” to the familes and friends of the victims while not so subtly sticking in their stands on the issues and how they could have prevented this tragedy.

I believe this instinct is part shameless “told-you-so”ing and part human nature.  When we hear something that surprises us we subconciously start to combine it and compare it to our own life experiences.  If your stand on abortion is in the forefront of your thoughts on a day-to-day basis, then your first thought will compare the shock to those beliefs.  If you believe in gun control, you automatically combine the news of the shootings with your beliefs and come to a conclusion.

In Whispers: Voices of Paranoia, the doctor who wrote it discusses this process in the mind of a paranoid person - that they combine irrelevant facts with beliefs and convince themselves of their truths.  For instance, your socks aren’t where you thought you left them and yesterday you saw a shadow in your peripheral vision.  Therefore, in the mind of a paranoid, the instances are connected and it must be that an invisible gnome is moving his socks. 

This is a damaged functionality of normal brain function.  Normal people find their socks in an odd spot and think “I must have been really tired yesterday” or “my wife didn’t put them away like normal.”  However, they DO try and find a reason.  No matter how irrelevent, it gets a moment or two of thought.

Now this matter is much more serious.  A man kills 32 people and himself.  We immediately seek a reason as to why we believe why.  The self-deluded see the answer as simple: tragedy + the issue they support = the answer be it gun control, immigration policies, or video games.

They’re own mind has blinded them to the fact that millions own guns and have never killed even a single person.  This country has millions of immigrants who have never killed even a single person.  Billions of people worldwide play video games and have never killed a single effing person.

The answers to this are much more complicated than the single small-interest issues.  They have more to do with social and mental health than legislative action.  However, legislation is much easier than reforming the society we live in.  We have a nation where mental health is oft talked about but few people actually know the warning signs and how to help a person. 

In the IMPACT class my husband and I are in for the adoption, one person could not understand how a bipolar person could do anything good.  They were convinced that the person had complete and total control over her actions and that it was necessitated out of spite instead of out of a real disease.  Bipolar is a real disease.  It is treatable.  Many people live productive lives on medication and need loving support from family and doctors to help them through the manic/depressive phases.  They do not need to have their problems compounded by being a foster child in a home that is not compassionate and ignores the warning signs of an impending trigger.  Many times, mental health patients are written off as “eccentric” or “just funny that way.”  They never receive treatment.

People do not walk around with signs on their forehead that label them.  Thank goodness.  It just causes a problem for the rest of us when a person who should have received some sort of treatment slips through the cracks of society and chooses to be infamous instead of famous.  The Columbine shootings happened my senior year of high school.  My first thought was “I know how that could happen.”  I know what it is like to be a social outcast, to live inside your own head, and to be so desperate for any sort of attention that you were willing to act out to get it.  Many students know this feeling, compounded by pressure and stress, and seek other outlets.  Sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Video games. Internet chat rooms.  Whatever.

I have my own political thoughts but I don’t believe any of that will fix this.  This is unfixable.  It is no one’s fault and everyone’s fault. 

It comes down to this:  No matter what, if a person decides to massacre people and then himself, he is going to do it.  Black, white, Asian, or Hispanic.  Immigrant or citizen.  Male or Female. Bomb, gun, or knife. If a person sees it as his destiny, it’s going to happen sooner or later.  We can’t catch them all… and in today’s society of “me first” we aren’t going to catch as many as we hoped.

Today in News April 5, 2007

So, today in news there are two things that struck me quite as quite odd.  News is always odd but c’mon now…

The VA Removes Wrong Testicle

Synopsis:  Dude has a sucky testicle that may be cancerous.  Goes to get it removed.  Forgets to write NOT THIS NUT on the other testicle and now it’s gone. 

Forget the VA doing this for a moment… we hear all kinds of horror stories about hospitals in general cutting off the wrong limb.  We even saw two people on House, Season II write NOT THIS ONE on their legs.  House wrote NOT THIS ONE on one and NOT THIS ONE EITHER on the other. 

Now, in the grand scheme of things, legs are not as important as testiculars.  How’d he leave this part out? 

Also, who the hell would want this kind of attention brought on themselves?  Four words: settle out of court.  Four more: do NOT tell anyone.

in other news…

Teen Sues Over Mooning Punishment

Synopsis:  A teen mooned a teacher and she was so traumatized that he was transferred to another school for the remainder of his senior year.

Hey, lady, who are you that you’re traumatized by a teenage butt?

I kind of have a similar story.  My sister was on a band trip at the ripe young age of 16 and this guy flashed his weenie at her and her friends on the bus.  The next day, all the girls were brought in to the guidance counselor’s office one by one with their parents. 

Guidance counselor to my dad:  Sir, the school will pay for any therapy that she may need. 

Dad:  What????

Guidance counselor:  One of the other girls was so traumatized she took a handful of diet pills.  We understand this is highly traumatic. 

Dad: What???

Guidance counselor:  We just want you to know that we are handling the situation and if A needs any support, we’re here for her.

Dad:  You think that’s the first dick she’s ever seen?  Who are you kidding?

A.: Thanks Dad.

Expectant March 22, 2007

I haven’t been posting as often and that’s really because we wanted to clue the family in on this before we started sharing with our online family.  (If you didn’t know, my husband is www.bootlegbonvivant.wordpress.com.) 

Anyways, we are expecting a child!  No, not the traditional way of stretch marks and pain, but the other Biblical way - adoption.  We’re in our second week of IMPACT classes and we’ve settled on domestic adoption from the Georgia foster care system.

I’m wanting to be careful about what I say about my feelings for several reasons -

1. Most of them aren’t really PC and are really convoluted/contradictory

2. I don’t want a written record of something that could hurt my kid to exist (honey, mommy wasn’t really sure if she could handle you… blah, blah, blah) even if those feelings are the same for any mother, bio or not.

3. Did I say I wasn’t quite sure of what I felt?

There are more, but I can’t remember them.  That’s what happens when there is too much in your brain to sort through. 

DH is working on calling his family right now.  We’ve been talking about this for a while and I’m so glad we’re finally doing it.  I really can’t get back on the infertility treatments - I can’t handle the stress of them and I can’t handle the not knowing and I can’t handle what seems like constant disappointments.

I’ve never been the kind to treat biology for anything.  I believe that families choose each other and love each other, not are based solely on a lucky sperm meeting a waiting egg and making someone who kinda sorta looks like you.  I actually thought it was really funny when my nephew was born that he looked more like me than he did my sister. ;)  Now he looks just like our father.  So much for genetics!

What does a Millenial bibliophile OCD adoptive mom do when she faces adoption?  She buys tons of books!  I’ve been reading a lot lately and most of the books only deal a tiny bit with domestic foster care adoption.  Most of the books talk solely about international infant adoption.  After my nephew was born and I was there for the birth I knew I didn’t want a baby baby.  Babies are tough!  Babies mess with your sleep patterns so that when you hear a murmur in the night, you roll over and pat your husband while saying “It’s ok, precious.  Aunt Cyndi is here.”  Your husband wakes up going “wtf???”

I’m so thankful for the class we’re in although most of the prospective parents have two or three bio children.  I think we’re the only IF couple in the class.  There is one single lady, but I don’t think that counts. 

We had to write why we wanted to adopt up on the board to introduce ourselves to the class so I wrote “I don’t want stretch marks!”  I think that’s a plus - I’ll never be able to tell my kid “you ruined my figure! I was a babe before you came along.” 

Soon we’ll be starting the paperwork, completing our medical exams and criminal background checks, finishing the class and working on the homestudy.  DH and I were shocked that some families take forever to do this!  We’re the kind to want it done RIGHT NOW.  If we’re holding up the process then we’re on each other’s butt to get it done RIGHT NOW.  But we’re hardly ever the kind to hold stuff up, us silly Millennials.  It’s like “can’t we do all this online?  I have a connection at work and we could do this while our main server is thinking. Can’t the police scan our fingerprints like they do in the patrol cars and check our background that way?  Why do we have to wait at the sherriffs office for a print out?  We could just speed and get it done instantly.  Can we get copies of this class on podcast?”

Silly Millennials… have to humor the old people.

Five Albums I Adore March 12, 2007

Today, not as brain fried however I think my trend of “Five Things” will continue if only because I’m swamped with meetings this week.  I feel like being positive, so here are Five Albums That Rock My Socks Off.  Or something else nerdy like that.

1.  Number one on the list is the newest album on here.  It’s currently the only thing I listen to on my iPod (because I’m a dork.) 

Anberlin - Cities

This record is more like a cerebral experience than twelve songs burned to a CD.  It’s also quite a bit more than a talented producer grabbing a hold of it.  I find that if I put the iPod on shuffle, I don’t get the same feel from the CD…

I love Anberlin for many reasons but foremost are their lyrics and the complexity of the melodies.  This album gives you not only that but also some unexpected cadence changes and expiriments (like using a synthesizer) that actually really work.  When I heard the second song which follows a very interesting prelude I thought “oh, this is going to be like any other Anberlin album.”  The guitar was exactly the same as the catchy songs on the last two albums.  After that, it was like listening to a totally new band.  Possibly the only reason that riff is in there is to remind you that yes, you do own the other two and yes, you recognize this.  The lyrics currently stuck in my head: “with downcast eyes, there’s more to living than being alive.”

2. Falling Up - Dawn Escapes

When I first listened to this album I turned to my husband and said “do you think it would offend a Christian band if I admited this music makes me horny?”

While I tend to listen to Falling Up’s remix album, Exit Lights, more often this one is definitely my favorite by them.  Exit Lights is more techno and hip-hop oriented and is my favorite car listening.  It’s far superior in it’s ability to scare co-workers while driving through the parking lot. “Hey, look at that girl in the sensible black Honda Accord blasting techno.  Wait a minute, she has tattoos and two-tone hair.  It all makes sense now…”  I keep fantisizing about last week when I drove through the parking lot blasting track 6 (Hondas have great sound systems, btw) and startled a co-worker.  However, this coworker has full sleeve tats, a shaved head, and 4 earrings in each ear.  I thought that was amazing.  He looked at me like “whoa, she is much cooler than I thought.”  But then I realize I’m deluding myself because I drive by little white kids at the mall blasting PDiddy or some crap in their Jettas with their windows rolled down and hats turned sideways.  My thought is always “who are they kidding?”  I guess Falling Up just frees me to be a dork.

Anyways, Dawn Escapes is most definitely my number two favorite.  The piano intro is amazing and the band continues to use the same sound throughout the album while introducing a jazz mood behind the expected rock core.  There are also touches of industrial techno that I adore. 

The lyrics contain a theme of water and that lends a cohesiveness to the album while the songs switch it up.  I’m listening to each album on my iPod as I write this, trying to remind myself of all the greatness.  This one’s greatness is this:  I don’t want to turn it off and go to the next album. Current memorable lyric: “kiss the truth goodbye now, the breaking of your dawn.  It’s time to say goodbyes, it’s time to light your fears, it’s time to open up.”

3. The Classic Crime - The Fight

This is the Classic Crime’s freshman album and it’s totally amazing.  I loved it the instant I heard it on Tooth and Nail’s sample CD “You Can’t Handle the Tooth.”  It starts rocking and doesn’t stop.  It’s really hard to write about this album because as soon as I turn it on, I’m geeked up. 

Seriously.

It’s really a good thing I work for a dotcom.  Most people don’t even look when I’m chair dancing or headbanging in my cubicle.  For a first album, this band’s cohesiveness is amazing.  They are definitely skilled musicians and every part flows just right.  Other albums from comparable artists have crappy production, depending only on skill.  This band does not - every track is leveled perfectly and even though every instrument is heard clearly you can still hear and understand the lyrics.

Lyrics: “I’ll take my heart back and set the people free.  I’ll leave the dead to die and take whose coming with me.”  Did I mention that I love the lyrics?  They are dark but hopeful and just seem really human.  This is exactly the same thing I love about Anberlin - I don’t like mushy “everyone is happy, let’s have a hugfest” lyrics but I also don’t like secular lyrics that talk about sex and violence.  Those just make me uncomfortable like if they got stuck in my head and I was singing in the bathroom at work, I may get in serious trouble.  These lyrics, you just need an affinity for poetry to understand.

4.  Emery - The Question

I’ll start off by saying that I hate every other album by Emery.  I don’t like rampant screaming.  I like screaming when there’s a point to it, but I don’t like to hear mostly “BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” 

This album is more lyrically sound and cohesive.  I seem to like that word, cohesive. Cohesive, cohesive, cohesive.  Not only should it be cohesive, it should be complex and this one definitely is.  Their screamer actually screams lyrics that actually bring another spectrum to the main melody.  “It’s like a pencil with erasers at both ends.  I’ve won it all but we’re dealing in percents.  And these activities that you’ve engaged in.  This is the politics of seeing you dance with him. We begin with concluding remarks. Pick up the pieces and examine the parts. Your words always cut when they’re cliche, but here’s my knife because I came for the buffet.”

5. Red - The End of Silence

Lyrically and musically, this band kicks serious bootie.  I keep looking for a band that rivals Linkin Park, and while this band has the same kind of complexity, their sound is completely their own.  There are almost hints of orchestral quality musicianship in the background. Think about what would happen if Evanescence and Skillet had an illegitimate male love child who idolized Linkin Park.  (On the other hand, isn’t a Honda Element simply the love child of a Hummer and a Neon?)  Lyrics: “You never go. You’re always here suffocating me. Under my skin, I cannot run away. Fading. Slowly. I give it all to you, letting go all night, reaching as I fall.  I know it’s already over now.”

I’m not even going to mention Switchfoot because I’d go on for days.  Also, their albums don’t near the quality I need - their individual songs are what get me.  They tend to leave out the word “cohesive.”

Bonus time!

5 bands that nearly made the list:

1. Lucerin Blue

2. Massivivid

3. Hyperstatic Union

4. Day of Fire

5. Guardian

Cohesive, cohesive, cohesive.

5 people who make me crazy March 5, 2007

Because I’m bored and secretly brain-fried (I can’t admit that at work,) I’m going to continue with a theme of 5 things.  I think this is self-explanatory, yes?

1. People who try and make losers feel better only to assuage their own conscience.  For example: “Oh honey, I know that there was nothing you could do about that seventh speeding ticket in as many days.  You had a legitimate excuse and that damn cop was an asshole for not understanding that you overslept again because you stayed up until three in the morning playing God of War!  I know that if you’re late again your boss is going to fire you and that x-box is going to have to go back to the rental place that is charging you $50 a week for a year before it’s yours but he just didn’t understand that.”  Yes, I so rule at talking people out of killing themselves.

2. People who think that they can’t get ahead in life because of an external factor such as fate/the system/the man/their race.  Here’s a clue: If you have been fired from your last seventeen jobs including the military and no one wants to hire you, the problem is probably YOU!  If your last three girlfriends left because you’re 45 and living with your parents and your last two wives left because you lost your cushy job (where of course the boss was a moron, right? You didn’t want to work in that craphole anyways) again and the man was coming to repossess your trailer home.

3. People who use other people because they feel like it’s karmically owed to them for a prior injustice in their life.  Self-explanatory, but it seems I have too many personal experiences of this.  I hereby dub myself ‘The Patron Saint of Lost Causes.’

4. The self-deluded.  This includes the self-published, American Idol wannabes and anyone who uses Myspace for the modeling reason.

5. Those with more money than sense.  “Oh honey, don’t spit up on that onesie! It’s an original Ralph Lauren and if you make me change you into that Baby Gap nonsense while we’re still in Neiman Marcus, I really am going to be peeved.  Now be a good girl and hold Bitsy’s carrier.  She’s a good teacup chihuahua, yes she is.  She doesn’t poopy on her Gucci carrier, no she doesn’t.”

Five Things You Don’t Know About Me February 5, 2007

caveblogem tagged me with a meme!  I’ve done these before and actually been interviewed where there question was “Cyndi, name one thing that only you know about yourself.” 

Being I’m crazily open, the only thing I could think of off hand was that I haven’t shared my SSN#.  However, my husband knows that.  Also my work and the federal government and my tax accountant.  However, I haven’t had this blog for that long (ha ha!) so I get to torture you with all my reused little known facts!  Really, my little known facts aren’t that personally interesting because I tend to view the way my brain works much more fascinating than the random things I think, do, or have done.  Also, I don’t really remember the really interesting things until they randomly pop up in my head and I say “did you know?”

Saying that, if you want to know anything just leave a comment.  I normally don’t refuse to answer any question.  Before you ask - I’m currently wearing pink underwear. 

1.  Most of the time the simplest technology confuses me.  It took me a month to learn how to use my iPod.  I still cannot tell you the difference between ROM/RAM/and all that other shit that goes inside a computer and what the numbers mean (even though my dad builds computers and my husband knows everything.)  I don’t think it’s the estrogen factor that makes this true.  I think it’s the fact that I’m highly analytical.  Honestly, I can’t memorize shit.  However, I can figure out a problem in a software faster than nearly anyone after I understand the logic behind it.  I don’t mind this quirk - this is why I have men in my life.

2.  I am infertile.  Trying to conceive (TTC)=7 years.  I don’t ovulate normally but when on Clomid I over-ovulate.  My last dose (which was the lowest possible) caused me to ovulate on day 13 AND day 19.  After that dose I started having never-ending migraines and vision loss, so all bets are off right now for the pregnancy thing.  A freebie fact: one of my biggest fears is that my husband will get someone else pregnant.  Hell, I’ve already survived my second biggest fear - that my sister would get pregnant.  All the sisters and sisters in law have children now.  I have leather furniture and my own library.  I also have auntie law which allows me to sugar up all their children before I take them home.  ;) 

3.  I am very loud when I get drunk.  Seriously.  I’m loud now when I get comfortable, but you’ve never known loud and funny until you’ve seen me drunk.  People try and talk me into going out just so they can laugh at me.  Stories are told of things I would do for a dollar (just about anything) when I was stone cold sober, so the things I do when I’m drunk are pretty funny. 

Before you ask - some of the things I’ve done for a dollar: Jumped a table in a crowded comedy club.  Jumped a table at the Taco Bell while telling the story about jumping the table at the comedy club.  Snorted a pixie stick.  However, for the record, I was paid $103 to flash the trucker.

4.  I have never done an illegal drug and neither has my husband.  This includes marijuana.  It’s not because I never wanted to or never had the opportunity or think everyone who smokes up is bad.  It’s really just a long term idea that it wasn’t worth the risk and that we didn’t want to be like the stereotype.  The husband was a goth freak and I was an art kid so we were around lots of drugs all the time everywhere we went.  Seriously, the first time I was offered speed I was in the 6th grade and on the school bus.  The last time I was around weed was oh… two months ago or so.  I’m on more legal drugs than I’d like to admit to.  However, I do because there’s nothing wrong with it.  I’m on Effexor for migraine management and panic attacks.  Phenergen for the nausea.  Maxalt as a migraine abortant.  Darvocet if that doesn’t work.  Ambien because the Effexor cranks me up.  I have been on Lortab, Zonegran, Topamax, Midrin, Imitrex, Zoloft, handfuls of pepto bismol, and loads of other meds that didn’t work or I was allergic to.

So after all this legal drug use, I don’t see the problem with herb when used sparingly and as a pain reliever.  As far as drugs go, the more dangerous ones are prescribed by your doctor!  I have hallucinated from an Ambien before - true, you’re supposed to lay down after you take it.  I got caught up in something after I took it though!  Next thing I know there are penguins dancing on my ceiling.  Time to hie thee to bed!

Actually I know a couple of folks who only smoke up because of constant migraines.  They don’t have health insurance so they made a personal decision to do what they could for it.  Having been through a three month long nonstop migraine, I don’t blame them.  At the point I was addicted to narcotic painkillers and the doctors were all telling me to go to the hospital and the hospitals were telling me there was nothing to do, I about called a friend of a friend.  Thank God that at that time I was able to get a referral into the Headache Center of Atlanta.  Dr. Kelman and his staff have been my personal lifesavers and got me back to work (and kept me off illegal drugs.)

If you’ve never had a migraine you should feel very lucky.  About day 15 of the migraine I started considering suicide because the pain was <i>that</i> bad.  If I had nuts, I would havebegged someone to kick me in them to take my mind off my head. I did a lot of sleeping and a lot of reading for three months - thank God that books are glare free!  There was no such thing as TV or magazines for me during that time because of the glare and lights.  I have been down to a migraine a week for the past month!  Yay! 

(End on an upper, Cyndi.) 

5.  I am a crazy talented artist but I’ve always been shy about it.  I create maybe two or three things a year and my mom has most of them.  The other 25% I’ve sold on commission.  I have one drawing of mine in my home and a small portfolio of work from high school.  I have won quite a few awards and participated in two gallery showings.

 I love creative people and work with a team of web designers.  However, I enjoy most being  coordinator for them.  I have kind of a crazy thought that if I did my art as my job I would cease to love it.  Kind of like the pressure would ruin it for me.  So, it continues to be my secret lover and my images stay in my head for only a few to enjoy.

I am also going to be a non-conformist and tag no one.  If someone wants to grab a tag from me, please do.  I hearby knight you self-able taggers.

I also knight you askers-of-questions.  Ask on, enquirers, ask on!

(To answer some other common ones in no particular order: vibrating egg, 18, 2, and I don’t have one.)