I know that on Sundays you aren’t supposed to worry about work. Let it all wait until Monday and just take some time to relax. Right…
I’d been joking for a few months about going to work at Hooters to get a little extra cash flow. When the adoption went through, we lost about $1k a month in income because we didn’t want to wait for the special needs waiver to go through on A. It would have put the adoption off for another 8 months or so and from experience we’ve learned that a lot can go wrong in 8 months. LJ’s had gotten approved two days before we signed intent to adopt but being A is younger, we didn’t have enough documentation to get the rubber stamp. It was better to just get the adoption finalized even without getting the special needs care she qualifies for. We did, however, get federal Medicaid on all the kids until they’re 19 or out of high school. It covers mental health treatments and that’s what we needed to ensure.
Note to potential adoptive parents: make sure you get the adoption assistance. It’s wounding to the pride, but you’re gonna need it and use it.
Back to Hooters. I found out today that I can’t work there because I don’t meet protocol – tattoos are out of dress code. Damn, that means I may have to find work where I use my IQ instead of my T&A.
Unless I find somewhere I can flex-work or work part time, work just isn’t a viable option yet. I say yet, but the truth of it is that I’ll probably never be “cured.” Shaun has intermittent FMLA leave enacted in his job because the next migraine could literally kill me. Reading that on paper scared the crap out of me, even though I knew it. The MVP puts me at a higher risk of stroke, syncope, and fatal arrythmias. Being the migraines are severe enough to take out my vision and I often can’t keep anything down, dehydration is a major risk. Not enough blood running through the heart equals regurgitation and syncope.
I want to just scream that it’s not fair. I’m 28! I’m one of the smartest, most talented people in the workforce (mathmatically speaking,) I have the will and want to work – but I can’t. I can’t even lift my head some days. When I feel like that though, I verbally tell myself to shut up. One of the kids I went to school with just died from cancer this past week. He wasn’t one of my friends, but we ran with the same crowd. Well, as much as a socially-impared art geek can run with a crowd. I’m blessed beyond belief.
I think I’m just feeling older than my age. Wednesday, I have an appt with the OBGYN to start talking about a hysterectomy. Friday is Shaun’s and my 10 year anniversary. September is the 10 year high-school reunion. I have three kids, ages 9, 5, and 4. Two of them have PTSD and the laundry list of abuse related and drug-exposure related mental illnesses. The last one is trying his hand at tantrums, but doesn’t have the stamina to keep up the 4 hour fits his sister is capable of.
The kids keep bringing up in therapy that they’re scared because I’m sick and they don’t want to lose another mom. I can tell them again and again that it’s just a headache, but they know. Kids are really good at not accepting bullshit and I’m really terrible at lying. I don’t believe I’m going to die but I do believe that I’ll probably battle this well into my 90s. I grew up taking care of my mom through the same thing and I’m a productive member of society.
Some days are great and I feel like I did before I got sick… or until the sickness that I was born with caught up with me enough to take me down. I have energy. I laugh and smile. My grammar doesn’t suck. I have patience and want to conquer the world. I think about another child.
Yesterday was one of those days. We went out with the kids to thrift stores and antique stores. We picked up some pipes for Shaun to restore. I got some $3 keyboards at Goodwill to modify and some clock parts. We spent the kids’ Toys’r’Us gift card and their McDonalds gift card. It was beautiful and sunny and great.
This morning was the same way, but a bad night’s sleep and too much caffeine caught up with me around 4 pm. I got out and cleaned the wheels and chrome on my Durango now that the local road work is done. I started teaching A how to work the shower since she’s going to start school in 3 weeks. I took apart one of the keyboards and started cleaning it and sanitizing it. We had pizza with the big family at Mom’s and the cousins all got to play and we made hand puppets out of paper bags. I finally gave the digital picture frames back to my dad (one we couldn’t set up without an SD card port… blah) and set up the one for my mom. I sorted through jewelry with my sister and stole some of her stuff. The stupid gate at the family’s place was deactivated so we didn’t have to wait to be buzzed in.
Around the time Mom went to church with Grandma, I was a snippy bitch. I even snapped at my mom. I snapped at the kids for singing Spongebob’s “idiot friends” song. I came home and took a bath, finished a stupid book, and tried to steady myself with working on fixing a flatbed scanner. What I should have done is taken a shot of Zomig.
Now I’m going to attempt to sleep it off after I get Cali cleaned up. Nola got pissy and and started a fight. It looks like Cali lost a toenail. Shaun’s putting the kids in bed and I’ve got the cameras charging so I can download the photos in the morning.
I don’t know who is harder to raise: children or German Shepherds. They’re all too damn smart for their own good.