how’d you do that?

27 09 2010

I busted a flipper last week.

Unfortunately, I’m not a guy and I can’t just use my other hand now that my left hand is fucked up.  I’m left handed and that’s just how I do things.  I write, sew, crochet, hold open books, turn door knobs, eat… and EVERYTHING with my left hand.

Since I now have a bright green brace on my left hand I get the inevitable question: how’d you do that?

Honestly, I don’t know.  I have no idea.

I have three kids and three dogs and the Great Dane is skilled at mixed martial arts.  I’m sure I’ve pounded on a few walls and doors with that hand too (kids, dogs, etc…)  I need to come up with a cool story.

I was fighting ninjas because they don’t like the pirate stickers on the back of my truck.

I used my hand to muffle the sound of a slamming door while pulling off a cat burglary.

I fell off the stripper pole awkwardly.

I bitch-slapped Chuck Norris and broke a phalange on his chiseled features.

I broke the record for speed-typing.

I’m the back-up dancer in a Lady Gaga video and when I grabbed my fellow dancer’s crotch it was pointier than I expected.

The tranquilizer dart on the grizzly bear I was wrestling didn’t work as quickly as the package said.

I’ll probably just say what I said to the dude at the store on Saturday.  “I just like weapons.”  The look on his face was PRICELESS.  Then he grinned and said “well, for you, you get a 30% discount.”


DJ the world

20 09 2010

I have a 6 disc changer in my car and I’m so freaking tired of every single disc.  Two of them are new – Anberlin’s new one and Eminem’s new one.  (Yes, I’m diverse like that.  It’s how I roll.)  Both have good songs on them it’s just hunting through the discs to find the good songs is just as annoying as listening to the whole thing.

The other 4 I’m just so tired of listening too that it’s just background noise.  Skillet, The Classic Crime, Lady Gaga, and I don’t even remember the other one.


Today, I’m listening to the UK Top 40 from the past 5 weeks picking out the best stuff.  I figure about 60 songs will fit on a CD if they’re in MP3 format.  Why the UK Top 40?  It’s more interesting than the US Top 40 and I’ve never seen Britney Spears show up on a single one.

<side rant>

Dad and I talked yesterday about all this medicine we have to take just to resemble normalcy.  He said that the only way he could interact with society was stoned on meds.  My point was that when sick people take meds they end up normal.  When people who AREN’T sick take meds they end up like Britney and Lindsay Lohan.

</ side rant>

I’ve made it to 34 songs so far.  I’m not gonna link to the actual song on YouTube so you’re gonna have to do it yourself.  Lazy punks.

  1. Green Light – Roll Deep
  2. Love the Way You Lie – Eminem ft. Rihanna
  3. Beautiful Monster – Ne-Yo
  4. Billionaire – Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars
  5. Missing You – The Saturdays
  6. Airplanes Part II – B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams and Eminem
  7. All Time Low – The Wanted
  8. Let You Go – Chase & Status
  9. Amazing – INNA
  10. What If – Jason Derulo
  11. In My System – Tinchy Stryder
  12. Choices – The Hoosiers
  13. I Like It – Enrique Iglesias
  14. Kickstarts – Example
  15. DJ Got Us Falling In Love – Usher
  16. Say You Don’t Want It – One Night Only
  17. Gold Dust – DJ Fresh
  18. Bang Bang Bang – Mark Ronson
  19. Commander – Kelly Rowland
  20. Hey Soul Sister – Train
  21. Frisky – Tinie Tempah ft. Labrinth
  22. Just Be Good to Green – Professor Green
  23. She Said – Plan B
  24. Find Your Love – Drake
  25. Ridin’ Solo – Jason Derulo
  26. The Club is Alive – JLS
  27. Brainwashed – Devlin
  28. Dynamite – Taio Cruz
  29. For the First Time – The Script
  30. Crossfire – Brandon Flowers (if I were the girl in the video I’d kick his ass just for getting kidnapped by ninjas more than once.)
  31. You Took My Heart – Pepper & Piano
  32. Wonderful Life – Hurts
  33. Saint or Sinner – Aggro Santos
  34. The Catalyst – Linkin Park

I think I’m going to round the rest out with nerdcore and geek rock.  The kids need some edumacation on random acts of geekery.

maximum redundancy

16 09 2010

Maximum redundancy is a good thing.  Not only in data storage but in parenting… which is weird.

I say a lot that kids need to be more like computers.  Computers may speak a foreign language, but it’s easier to learn and it doesn’t care if you’re having a particularly crappy day.  Computers act in predictable methods depending on input.  Good data in, good data out.

Kids are more like “good data in, good data in, good data in, GOOD DATA IN, GOOD FREAKING DATA GOES IN, DAMMIT GOOD DATA FROM MULTIPLE USERS ALREADY!!!”

The odds of good data out and bad data out are 50/50.

User error has very little to do with what the kids end up doing.

Then, this week, my main server got a virus and reminded me that computers are more like children than I thought.  It wasn’t a regular ole get caught in the strainer virus – it infected the virus software itself.  Now every time I load or try and connect to a virus or mal-ware scanner it kicks itself of the internet.  Everything works FINE until a virus software runs.

The original software to get eaten was Avira.  Fail.  The virus even latched on to the uninstall exe.  Next was AVG.  Fail.  Windows security.  Fail.

I had 1.5 TB in that machine and now all are being quarantined in a cardboard box until I figure out what this shit did.  I pulled all the essential data off onto flash sticks and those went into the cardboard box too.

The moral of the story is that it’s OK to be OCD when it comes to your computer stuff.  You’re the only one who cares that you have 50 flash sticks with different info (and the same info) on each one.

Next I’m going to update everything onto another set of flash sticks and put them all in my fire safe with my birth certificate and marriage license.

If that wasn’t enough geekery, read on.

Why flash memory?

CDs and DVDs don’t hold as much information and the burn process (and surface) are easy to SNAFU.

Portable hard drives have a disc inside that can be shaken and broken.  (Try it.  It’s possible no matter what the geeks at the Apple store say.)  I have a flash stick on my keychain that has 800 ebooks on it.  It’s pretty hard to kill.

Flash on a USB 2.0 is universally compatible with all OSs and most machines.  It also plugs into quite a few car stereo systems, most video game machines, TVs, WD TVs, your mom…

Small amounts of data on separate but redundant sticks reduces the chance of a bad file killing all the other files on the memory.  If it does happen, the data is still safe elsewhere.

Flash is relatively inexpensive.  Target has some toys with flash memory inside that are $15 for 4G.  They’re also skateboards.

Skateboards with flash drives.

The world is a better place for that.

As for the kids… all I can do is keep on repeating!

I has smart

9 09 2010

It’s been a very suburban week and for most of it I had a dumb.

Today was much better.  I worked on my sister’s wedding photos, caught up on my email, listened to New York Hero, and finished TWO crossword puzzles while I waited to pick up the kids.

Speaking of kids, the youngest caught a smart and got a smiley face at school today.  He’d been grounded since Tuesday for pushing a girl, not listening to the teacher AND squeezing ketchup all over his head and body.  No one ever said my kids were normal… or boring.  We’re going to have him evaluated at the therapy group next week for ADHD.  He’s having a lot of trouble at school and can’t seem to block out the constant stimuli.

LJ is done being grounded tomorrow.  He’s had a rough couple of weeks and he seems to be coming out of the funk.  Thank. Goodness.

The girl child has caught a bad case of the dumbs though.  The psychiatrist did change her meds this week so hopefully we’ll see a difference soon.  None of us can go through this much longer and it throws off the entire family dynamic when she’s acting up.

In other news, in a random sort of fashion:

  • I got a ThinkGeek catalog, a Fredericks’ catalog and an Orvis catalog.  I can now order everything I need for a really fucked up Halloween costume!
  • The guys broke the windshield on my Durango while playing baseball.  Now we’re waiting to get paid so I can get a new one.
  • The back of the Durango has a brand new Star Trek fish emblem!  It’s made of win and awesome.  The Durango is a happy place.
  • Yes, the reflection is an oddfun house mirror reflection of me in my sweats and Dr. Seuss shirt.  I hope I’m not that lumpy in real life!
  • The existence of nerd rock makes me happy in places I didn’t know could be happy.
  • The clutter on my desk is breeding.  I clean it up every night but when I wake up in the morning it has multiplied.  It’s like I have a tribble farm over here!
  • My server got a virus that infected the ANTI-VIRUS software!  I took out the extra drives and now I need to work on the OS itself to eject the parasite.  I just haven’t worked up the energy or the amount of liquor it would take to do it and keep my sanity.
  • The birds have 11 eggs in their nest right now.  I think they were infected by my bad egg karma and we may never get hatchlings.
  • Chickpea needs a haircut really, really badly but I don’t want her to think it’s a punishment.  I also don’t want to take her to a salon and for her to think it’s a reward when she’s managed to get in trouble with every single adult in her life and quite a few of the children.
  • Silly bands are banned at one of the schools now!  I lied and told the kids that they were banned in both schools because I’m tired of that crap.  Kids are little monsters when it comes to who has what toy.
  • My bath fetish is temporarily on hold.  I have a bad sunburn on my back (damn you, medicine!) and it hurts A TON worse than a tattoo.  I’m not going to tell people tattoos feel like a sunburn anymore.  It’s not fair to the tattoo.

I’m so ready for life to be easier!  We’re heading into my favorite season and I’m hoping to have a lot of the bs that’s on my plate done with.  Then I need a date with my husband and a good, long nap.


3 09 2010

The youngest told me “my old mommy made me cookies and cake and let me eat candy.  You need to fight her for ‘world’s best mommy.’  When I grow up I’m going to make candy and feed it to all the kids with mean mommies.”  Then he told me that I should let him go to a sleepover because he was good ONE day this week.  (Never mind that no one had a sleepover planned…  I should still come up with one because he was good 20% of the time.)

The middle child gets in the car and throws a tantrum because she got in trouble at school.  An hour later the teacher called to explain the “disturbing behavior” she’d been seeing: being rude, talking back, being mean to other kids.  I told the teacher that yeah, we’d seen it at home too and yeah, I’d bring it up with her therapist and in-school help at our next meeting.  She’s also binging on food and self-harming again.  It’s been ramping up for about a month and I’m OUT of ideas.

The oldest is becoming increasingly afraid of the dark and is having crazy nightmares about people setting our pets on fire.  He’s slipping back into a fantasy world but at least can still tell the difference between real and fake when I ask.  He hates a girl at school that acts similarly to the middle child.  He says “I HATE her.  She’s SO mean!”

The extended family has more nuts than a brownie and is about as dark from all the bullshit.  They’ve always said we were going to need waders… but damn.

I grit my teeth so hard that I chipped a tooth.  I told the youngest that I’d  never be so mean as to stuff my loved ones full of poison that made them fat and sad.  I told the middle that she was grounded, not that she listened.  I told my oldest that the odds of a plane dropping out of the sky and landing on him were very, very low.  I made sympathetic noises to the extended family.

Then I distracted them with music videos on my phone.

I see the amazing things in all of them.  My brain hardly recognizes it because of the spasming going on in my neurons.  I have nice things to say but the words on my tongue start with “WHAT IN THE WORLD???”

This dude says he wants to be a billionaire so fucking bad so he can adopt a bunch of kids who ain’t ever had shit.  I hope he has some money left for nannies because DAMN.  Even kids who ain’t ever had shit aren’t grateful for what they get.  (The oldest was really upset to hear we weren’t rich even though Grandmommy has a good job at Wal-Mart. At least his expectations are low…)

I want to be upset but I remember being as big of a punk-nugget to my parents.

So I get frustrated.  I can’t stay mad because they’re just doing what comes naturally for kids.  I can’t laugh because they might keep doing it!

Nola tried to eat my new exercise stuff and has been digging under the bed but she’s fuzzy and doesn’t mind when I yell at her.  She loves me whether I’m fuming or laughing then tackles me and tries to eat my head.  Ernie bit me on the ass the other day because I wasn’t paying attention to him.  He still gets stoned on catnip and drools on my feet.  Cali chases  me around the yard while I bring in groceries and Abbie thinks “Barrel-butt” is a great nickname.  Spooks won’t let me sleep by myself.

Why aren’t people as easy?

Anyways, this song is stuck in my head:

gonna get buff

1 09 2010

I want to set a goal about getting in shape but I’m having a hard time picking something.  I’m anti-social and I can’t do outdoor activities because of this crazy sun sensitivity.  I used to do Choi Kwang Do (1st degree black belt) but when the new speed drills were implemented, it was too hard on my already tachychardic heart.

It’s fun to watch my pulse after watching medical shows.  They’re all like “her pulse is 130 and rising! get xxx medicine!”  Last time my pulse was under 100 the  nurse thought her machine broke because it’s NEVER that low.  130 is a mildly annoying day.  I once topped 200 at the hospital (because they stabbed me with a huge needle to take an arterial blood gas test and it HURT) and all the monitors went off and the crash carts came running in.  The look on their faces when they saw me sitting up in the bud cussing a blue streak was priceless.  Apparently you’re supposed to be dying or some shit when it gets that high.  I’m just an over-achiever.

My dad was telling me that he got an exercise machine where you laid on your back and held on to the straps then flopped like a fish.  He said it really works too.  He lays in the floor for 30 minutes a day and flops around and he’s getting buff.

I want to be muscular and stuff too!  Since I haven’t been able to eat as well lately I’ve turned into an interesting mix of angles from my bones and fat pockets.  My abdomen looks like a V with a donut in the middle.  My butt remains unaffected.  It just hangs out there in all its glory and soaks up all the calories the rest of my body wanted.

I even split a pair of jeans in the crotch area this week.  They just finally gave in to the pressure like teenagers staying the night at a friend whose parents have a full liquor cabinet.

When the kids were younger I got exercise from chasing my chipmunks on crack around.  Now they’re gone most of the day and tired when they get home… and I really don’t want to watch anyone else’s crackhead.

So, friends, have any ideas?  I need to find out the name of that fish-flopper-machine but I’m thinking I may start with a lumbar stretcher and an exercise ball.

brain dump, end of August

29 08 2010

Most of my reading lately has been done in the car while picking up the kids. It’s hard to escape from a stinker of a novel when that’s all I’ve brought with me. Bad books have an upside, though.  They bring out my inner Michael Kors.

Play Dirty by Sandra Brown: “ripped from the headlines” takes on new idiocy.  It’s about a pro football player in a major southern area who goes to jail for illegal gambling who gets caught up with a millionaire who bought a major airline that was financially fucked.  Sound familiar?  Everyone who lives in or around Atlanta is fucking tired of this story.

Intervention by Robin Cook: Dan Brown fanfiction written by a stoned 6th grader.  The beginning has absolutely nothing to do with the end.  It’s like two NaNoWriMo novels glued together.  Flagrant exclamation point abuse.

Running Scared by Lisa Jackson:  good enough.  I’ll probably reread it in a couple of years.  The author has some sort of hang up about adoption.

Shadow Zone by Iris Johansen and Roy Johansen: a good story in a good series.  I normally hate co-authored stories but this one is seamless.

Spider Bones by Kathy Reichs: a fun, fast moving story with an interesting ending.  It had an interesting medical twist that I haven’t seen in other books before.

Live to Tell by Lisa Gardner:  another good story with great insight into the minds of special  needs children.  The hospital scene was eerily like the one in Terry Goodkind’s The Law of Nines.  That made it a little disconcerting.

The Mephisto Club by Tess Gerritsen:  This is the 3rd time I’ve read this book so it obviously doesn’t suck.  This is the kind of novel that got her characters a TV show.  I hope the quality of her books returns to what it was before.

The Constant Gardener by John Le Carre: reading British styled books messes up the accent in my head for a couple of days.  Other than that weirdness, it’s a great story.

Water Bound by Christine Feehan: looks to be the start of another series sort of related to the Drake sister series.  It was a little disconcerting to get used to the new “magic” but will be interesting once more of the books are published.  Sucked to realize that two things I love the symbols of (fire and water) are the things that threaten books the most.

Fatal Burn by Lisa Jackson: I need to boycott books written by Lisas and Lindas.  They all get confused in my head.  Not memorable.

Rules of Vengeance by Christopher Reich: very good story and plot.  It’s nice to have a hero that I didn’t ever really like or feel sympathy for.