It’s in my coffee

25 11 2010

This morning I woke up not thankful at all.  I knew the Thanksgiving post needed to be written and while I sat on the toilet, I thought “I’m thankful for the normal things – life, family, toilet paper.  This holiday sucks!”

Thanksgiving is just a remembrance of one race taking advantage of another, peace treaties that end in bloody warfare, and gluttony “in honor of a new world.”  What it means more personally is stress, money trouble with the impending “holiday season” to give that budgetary shit storm some extra spice, feeling left out of one group or another for absolutely NOTHING of my own fault*, and needing pharmaceuticals just to survive smiling at people who dislike me for hours on end.

Yeah, I woke up this morning in bitch mode.

Then Coffee came into my life and the funk started to lift. Every sip I take I find something else that I’m thankful for.  I may be able to write this post!

I’m thankful for our children.  A few years ago, I was sitting in a room at the adoption agency crying because our placement fell through and I didn’t think I could survive another holiday season knowing that I was not yet a mom.  It was the week before Thanksgiving.  We had already bought Christmas presents for the girls that would have been our daughters.  Their rooms were ready.  Their clothes were in the closet.  We were waiting on one court hearing to happen THAT WEEK before they moved in to stay.

It didn’t happen and I was devastated.  The agency didn’t think we would get another shot with that particular placement so I told them I didn’t care if it was a foster placement – I just wanted kids in my house for the holidays.  (Up to that point we were straight adoptive parents.)  Three days later we got the call about A & E needing a placement.  I went to the family party that year with two babies.  8 months later, LJ came to us and now they’ve been legally and forever ours for over a year.

I am thankful for my animal masters.  For the birds singing to me when it’s time to get out of bed.  For the clean, animal scent I get when I bury my nose into Spooks’ tummy.  For how he has developed a habit for needing to be with me at all times.  For Ernie being a much needed comic even though he doesn’t really smell like a clean animal – he always smells like tuna even when he hasn’t had any for a week.  For Abbie who thinks she’s a person, Cali who loves the kids, and Nola with her big ass nose and her inability to be sad.

I am thankful that even though Shaun got laid off, the company didn’t screw him in the severance package.  We may not end up moving to the trailer park because of that.  There’s still a ton of stress associated with it (which is why I haven’t written in a while… how do you be honest and open about something so volatile?) but it could be worse.  I’m thankful that it’s not worse.

I am thankful for a warped sense of humor. The ability to laugh at things forms a tight bond.  It’s a stronger relationship than liking a sport or sharing a hobby.  We laugh at fucked up things and share an esoteric knowledge base.  Anyone who understands why I want a tramp stamp of the number 42 is a good person to know.  Anyone who knows why I fart in your general direction can be my friend.

I am thankful that my head is so small that I can wear kids’ glasses. Most vision insurance plans cover kids’ glasses 100% and adult glasses at a discount.  Last year I got hot pink Guess glasses.  This year I got some black Candie’s that make me look like a sexy librarian.  Also in the small head gift, I can wear kids’ hats that are cheaper and more adorable than the adult selection.

I am thankful for 50% off Halloween candy on the 1st of November.  However, my body doesn’t quite agree with me on that point.

I am thankful that Sprint gave me a new phone when mine died a premature death for the cost of repairing it.  $35 is much better than having to pay full price or having to switch back to my Blackberry.

I am thankful for the Internet.  Every single part of it – including the over-the-top seriousness of some sites and the absolute idiocy of others.  I love that I can pick and choose the sites I visit (because there’s always a choice) and be a part of the hivemind.  It doesn’t matter if I contribute or if I simply read the stuff in my RSS.  The internet goes on without me and when I feel able to, I take part.

I am thankful that Shaun is a good cook.  He also does the dishes and laundry, which makes me a damn lucky woman.

OK, that’s enough sweetness and sap for right now.   I’m halfway through this coffee and I need to do my motherly duties like pick out the kids’ clothes for the visit to the in-laws and make sure the cameras are ready to go.

*my parent’s families didn’t approve of each other while I was growing up.  I’m the spawn of the one they like (their genetic relation) and the one they don’t have anything in common with.  Now that the parents have been married for 31 years and the rest of them HAVEN’T, all I can say is “haters gonna hate.”  I’ve been excluded from other groups for various reasons that ARE my fault.  Those don’t bother me nearly as much.


train of thought

21 12 2009

Looking back over my blog, I’m realizing how helpful it is to have the ability to tell when certain things happened.  I’m having to document my medical history again (this time for a rheumatologist) and I can actually give dates.  Otherwise it would look like “a little while back I hurt very badly and it lasted for a… while.”

Reading back, I get reminded about stuff like “wow, that was THIS year?  I don’t remember that at all!”

One thing that has really stood out is that I’ve forgotten my personal policy of looking at the blessings instead of the wishes.  Wishing doesn’t make anything worse but my own mindset – I’m a happier person when I focus on the end result and the blessings that come from getting there.  I don’t do so well with goals.  It seems like setting a goal is the quickest way for me to either instantly succeed (so I don’t have to pay attention to it anymore) or to rebel against doing it (so I don’t have to pay attention to it.  )

I know my personality and I’ve always been this way.  I’m better at doing than trying.  (Thank you, Yoda.)  I have yet to find a motivational idea that works more than once for me.  A paper chain where I tore off a link every 1k words worked for NaNo in 2006.  It never worked again.  Writing prompts work for about a week – I can’t make it through an entire month of prompts.  Book lists work until I encounter a book that I’d have to consume massive amounts of alcohol to read.  365 days to a goal books never work to make me read the Bible in a year, clean up clutter, stay inspired, make art, etc… By January 5th, I’ve read the whole book and thought “what if I think July 12th is a good idea but March 2nd is crap.”

So, I’m blessed to know my own personality.  I’m blessed to have a blog that lasted for more than a few weeks.  I’m blessed to have access to medical care and I’m blessed to be able to bitch about it when I get mad and then am able to find DIFFERENT medical care if I need to.

Today I have a lot of sewing to do, so I’m thinking it’s going to be a watch TV on that computer monitor while watching the internet on this monitor and leaning back with my sewing stuff.  I have a ton of pictures to download and edit but I can do that later.  Today, I need to accomplish something.  Trying doesn’t make my brain happy – accomplishment does.