Short Letters to Random People

30 11 2010

Dear House,

I regret to inform you that your TV show is no longer my favorite.  Since I was diagnosed with Lupus, that show got a little too real.  Now I listen to Castle as I fall asleep because it’s just as entertaining and it will never happen.  Seriously.  It would take David Baldacci getting writer’s block, and deciding to drop in and follow me around being a stay-at-home-mom. He could make stupid comments while I make parenting look sexy and cool and once an episode come up with some spectacular solution.  David Baldacci once answered my question on a LibraryThing forum and did it without any mockery or stupidity, so I can’t say I see this ever happening.

I will still watch and enjoy your show but you will no longer be top billing in the part of my brain that dishes out pop culture references to serious situations.

 

Dear Dr. Cuddy,

In the season finale of Season 6 and AGAIN in the first few episodes of season 7, you told House that you being in love with him had nothing to do with wanting him to change.   He told you that you’d eventually start being pissed off at the things he’s ALWAYS done – like lying to you about a patient – and you said “nuh uh, won’t happen.”  Now, you’re pissed at him for doing exactly the same thing he did in every single fucking episode in the last 6 seasons.  If you really don’t want to care about him doing what he does, only assign him patients you hate.  Then if they die from some stupid treatment that will spike your BP, you can at least be comforted in the fact that they are DEAD.

Or whip out the ole “really long consent form” for all his future patients.  “By signing this you agree that you’re about to be treated by a mad genius.  You agree not to sue him or his employers for any retarded, unethical, experimental, insane, and unrecommended treatment.”  You’re smart enough to get what you both want.  It’s just going to take some creativity.

 

Dear “As Seen on TV” Toy ads,

Thank you so much for teaching my kids the art of creating stupid jingles.  In response, I have taught them about the psychology behind advertising.  At least now they know not to sing me the little tune and beg for something at the low, low price of $59.99 for 2 packs of glorified play-do unless they really want to hear Mommy rant for hours.

 

Dear Girls,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.  I know I don’t want you to ever read this because no one should have to carry this with them, but I can’t hold it inside me.  If you ever do find my blog, this is at least an honest recollection from a woman who loves you.

I replaced the last pictures we had of you with more recent pictures of our forever children.  For some reason, God had different paths planned for us and we were only together for a short time.  I spent and I spend a lot of time mad at Him for what happened.  It’s odd to me that I still love you the same amount as I do the children who live in my house.  With them, they get older and smarter.  They make mistakes and grow.  They get more and more like us.  They have opinions – rather loud ones – and desires and needs.

With you, all I ever got was a few months and some pictures to remember you by.  I remember you as 5 and 7 year olds but 4 years and an entirely new family have come for both of us.  With them, I was handed their novel.  With you, I was only given a few short chapters.  I’d like to read more and know more, but it’s best not to pester the author while the story is in progress.  In another 10 or 15 years, hopefully I can learn the rest.

I still have the pictures on the computer I use most often.  Every file I pull up, I see your pictures.  I’m learning to let go – quietly and slowly – but I haven’t made it to the point of putting your photos on an external drive yet.

 

Dear my fashion sense,

Are you done with your little vacation yet?  I know I spend most of my time in sweat pants and a tank top but I’m ready for that to change!  Do you know that lately I started throwing out DSW catalogs before even looking at them?  Why?  Because there’s no point in buying shoes when I have a closet full that I don’t wear.

Do you hear me?  I rationalized NOT BUYING SHOES.  I’m going insane without you.  I haven’t had a haircut in months.  MONTHS!  I want to start a blog for fashion choices for people with neurological disabilities (or fibromyalgia or anything that comes with dysautonomia or allodynia.)  I can’t do that when my uniform includes navy blue sweat pants, black knee socks, and a crazy colored tank.

Fashion sense, you better get your ass back here RIGHT NOW.  Put down the tropical drink, put on some clothes and clock back in.  You’ve got work to do!

 

To my children –

Effective immediately, I’m spraying you with Lysol the instant you get in the car after school.  You end up with a virus and get sick for a day or two.  I get the virus and the Lupus tries to eat my face off.

I have been on antibiotics for 10 days now and have 4 more to go.  I taste onions constantly.  Look, even the baby knows “don’t talk to Mommy until she’s had a cup of coffee.”   You try drinking coffee in the morning when all you taste is onion.

The only solution is to stop exposing your mother to germs and I’ve caught you little shits licking tables in fast food restaurants.  I KNOW I’m nuts so I can only imagine what disgusting things the little shits who do not have me as a mom do.  Those kids are sharing their germs with you and I don’t want them.

 

Dear Levenger,

Stop sending me two catalogs several times a month that have the same beautiful, lustworthy items in them.  Once a month, I get to drool over your leather goodies.  After that you’re just rubbing my nose in the fact that I’m too poor to buy them!  I already send you way too much money for Circa supplies – but now I get to cry a little inside when I see the Bomber Jacket leather card wallet that matches my Bomber Jacket leather Circa cover.  It’s the only thing that makes me want to replace my red leather card wallet that I bought 4 years ago.    The red leather wallet that goes everywhere with me.  The red leather wallet that I bought a matching clutch for so I could tote my lipstick and perfume along with my personalized note cards.

I really love you, Levenger.  I love how Mr. Leveen replies to posts online and writes a thoughtful blog.  I love your customer service.  I grudgingly understand how you’ve had to adapt some of your products to Apple’s tomfoolery.  But please stop taunting me!

 

 

With all the love in the world, Cyndi

 

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This TV is gigantic. This title is obvious.

2 03 2010

The end of February is bonus time at work.  I use “work” in the general sense because the company Shaun works for is the company I was employed by for 8 years.  He’s getting pretty close to 10 years so most of our adult life this company has been “work.”

Normally the bonus covers taxes and insurance on the house and sometimes the cars.  This year it dropped into our account and we both said this:

Holy.

Crap.

Are they for real?

I think they are.

Then we finally recovered from the shock and looked at it again.  It was still there and still bigger than we’d seen before.

Time out for a second.

This is the TV that resided in our house.  It’s technically my Dad’s because his Aunt Loys helped him get it and it was his first big TV.  (Yes, we get sentimental about electronics around here.  I still have my TI-85.)  It’s a 36″ screen and big as fuck.  By big as fuck, I mean it weighs nearly 200 lbs give or take a ton. When Dad got his new plasma, he let us use the big’un.  We had to go to IKEA and buy a stand that could hold 200 lbs and was big enough to set this giant on.

OK, time back in.

Shaun has been blatantly hinting for a little over a year that he needs a flat screen.  A big one.  I agreed with the flat screen part but not so much with the big one part.  I’m thinking 42″ max.  I agreed that since he met all his goals and kicked ass in 2009, that now would be a good time to get his flat screen.  I’m actively pushing for moderation, though.  A wife’s gotta try, right?

We shop online, look at prices and settle on HH Gregg.  That’s where my dad got his and they were exceptionally nice and they have great prices.  Also, I think the salespeople work on commission so they’re looking to make the sale especially if you drop in 30 mins before closing on a Friday night.

We wanted a plasma instead of an LCD because the technology is more stable.  We plan on a TV lasting at least 10 years and I’m the kind of gal who won’t buy a brand new model of a car because they’re still working on the bugs.  Anyways, HH Gregg had like 4 plasmas on sale and we preferred Samsung and Phillips/Magnavox screens.  That took us down to 2 models.

One was 42″ and the other was 50″.  Shaun stands there staring at the 50″ like he’d never seen a TV before.  Plus, it’s a Samsung.  Plus, it’s on sale.  Plus, it has those ambient lights. Plus, it’s got lots of USB and HDMI ports and all that cool shit.  Plus, you can buy a wireless dongle and make it the monitor for your laptop.  (I know I’m quickly losing the moderation war.)

On the showroom floor, it doesn’t look that big.  You think “hey, maybe that 50″ would look nice in our living room.” The little voice in the back of your head says “you measured the stand before you left the house.  That bitch ain’t gonna fit.”  The voice looking at the TV says “we can make it work.  We make lots of stuff work.”

Then the clincher – the salesperson comes up and says “I just checked our inventory and the one you’re looking at right now is our last one.  Because it’s the display model, we’ll sell it to you for this price.”  He handed Shaun a piece of paper and we looked at it and looked at the price tag on the wall and the price tag on the 42″.

Shit. The war for moderation is over.

Now I have to figure out how to fit a big ass flat screen in the back of the Durango WITH 3 children.  It was tight, but with the 3rd row folded down and some prayer we got it into the truck.  We got it home and carried it in and set it in the floor.*

We have an unforseen problem.  This thing is as big as our loveseat and weighs about 75 lbs.

That’s not too bad, actually.  To men, bigger is better and as long as it fits in between this wall and that one, it’s not too big.

The problem is the 200 lb TV is on the stand this thing needs to set on.  It took some creative angling and one super power lift from Shaun to get the old one on the floor (on a blanket of course – I don’t need my floors scratched.)

Shaun started in on the cables which meant it was my turn to leave.  I don’t do cable management but I know just enough about how to set up an AV system to be a total bitch.  20 minutes later I hear “Cyndi, get in here!!!”

All I could do was laugh.  It overhangs the stand by an inch on either side and our very first HD moment is someone on the Olympics making the DURRR face.

After watching it for almost a week now, I  understand why movie theaters are seeing drops in ticket sales.  We’ve got surround sound and a big ass TV and some leather IKEA couches we can chill on with the cocktail of the night and a bowl of ice cream.  The kids can play in the floor* and the bathroom is just a few steps away.

We watched Robin Williams’ Weapon of Self Destruction on Sunday night and it was awesome.  Dang, even I’m excited about this monstrosity!

*You wouldn’t believe the amount of shit I catch for saying “in the floor.”  I know it’s actually ON the floor but I grew up round here and I’m writing it the way it sounds in my head.  The kids play in the floor.  Sometimes I lay down in the floor.  When acrylic resin gets easier to produce, I’m gonna make a floor with stuff “in” it so people who take me literally can STFU.





throw-away days

6 09 2009

17 days post surgery

The past week or so have just been throw away days.  I’m supposed to be still so my body can heal itself.  I feel like a puppy that just got fixed and it’s KILLING ME to not run around and play.  This past week, I started bleeding and got my dad to take me up to the doctor where I just sat in the waiting room and shook for an hour or two.  My body had attacked one of the stitches and formed a huge clot around it so the dr took it out, did some blood work, then sent me home with another prescription.

I have mixed feelings about this doctor’s nurses.  They’re nice enough but they seem too caught up in their own office drama to actually give a damn that this is pretty serious – at least in my own opinion.  I’m sure they listen to a lot of bitching each day from cranky people but dang.  The nurse that took my blood got pissed off that a drop of blood flipped off the needle and landed on her pants – after she stabbed me three times looking for a vein that hadn’t been blown.  Apparently I was too stressed for her to find a good vein… of course, there’s no reason for me to be stressed at all, right?

So Shaun took the rest of the week off and he’s off tomorrow too for Labor Day.  He’s been enforcing the “chill out” rule.  I’m getting ill watching House marathons and I thought that would never happen.  So, I’ve done little stuff – crocheted and sewed, fixed clothing, watched every episode of Project Runway that was on the DVR and season 3 of Psych, every episode of House and seasons 1 and 4 of Bones.  We don’t have 2 and 3 on the HDMI yet, so I didn’t bother with the DVDs.  I dug out my most recent sketch book and put down some quick ideas for some uniform clothes for the chickpea.  Sorted buttons with chickpea and LJ.  Read Terry Goodkind’s new book.  Read my Real Simple magazine.  Finished Kathy Reich’s new one.  Upgraded to a Flickr pro account.  Ordered some business cards.  RSVPd for my 10 year reunion.  Threatened E-baby with ratting him out to Grandpa – E’s current best buddy – if he kept throwing tantrums and being a badass.

Oh yeah – that’s a good tip for all y’all parental folks.  Tell the kid you’re going to call in the grandparents and that was going to be SOOOOO BAD.  I remind the rugrats that the gparents raised ME and I’m meaner than a hornet so while they know nice grandmommy and grandpa who spoil their little asses – they really don’t want to see the bad side.  That stopped a full blown tantrum in its tracks last night.  Suddenly, E’s face wasn’t red or wet from crying, he stood tall and looked me in the eye like a big boy.

The chickpea has been stealing straight pins for some odd reason.  I think she’s interested in the fact that they’re sharp but small… she has the weirdest obsessions at times.  She’s super observant of stick pins but she thinks climbing the built in bookshelves won’t cause her any harm at all.  Um… that’s a little backwards, kid.  You could stick a straight pin all the way through you and you’d still not be hurt too bad.  If even one of those shelves breaks, though, that may be the end of it.  I’ve climbed them before (to show it really was anchored well) but still – you don’t take chances like that.

I need to get some real work done but I don’t like sitting at the computer for long right now.  I have about 15 things to get up on Etsy and I need to start working on a branding for Shaun’s antique restoration stuff.  If I don’t get something to do, I’m going to end up watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta and that would be very bad.





A uterus free life

31 08 2009

I’m 10 days post op.  All the bruising has faded (I looked like I’d been hit in the stomach with a steel donut) but I got a nasty infection in my belly button.  The antibiotics are making me loopy and sick.  Since the surgery, we’ve spent maybe $200 on medicine.  It sucks and what sucks worse is that the nurse who was covering the on-call line was a total ass hat and brushed off my symptoms when I called for more meds.  So, a day later, I’m back in the hospital with an infection, my pulse is at 120 and my temperature is dropping. The doctor at the ER took one look at my tummy and pronounced it infected.  I got ANOTHER EKG and told to drink plenty of water and to expect squirt poops from the antibiotics.  Seriously, I’m fighting for the world record of most EKGs in 14 days.  The memo must have gone out that mitral valve prolapse is a serious medical condition (um, haven’t I been saying this for 10 years?) and I must be triaged directly back into the innards of the ER to have sticky things stuck all over me and all the monitors turned on.  I’m not dying, I just have puss.

Since I’ve been on bedrest, I’ve watched about 1000 episodes of Project Runway and The Rachel Zoe Project.  This is COMPLETELY unlike me.  I do love fashion design and style but I hate the editing of reality shows.  It’s always “so and so is a bitch and we don’t like her” that’s totally blown out of proportion by the production company.  I just want to see what they come up with and how they do it.  I tried watching America’s Next Top Model but I couldn’t stand it.  It went way over my maximum threshold for flakiness.  I can barely stand Heidi Klum on Project Runway.  You can almost see the teleprompter reflected in her eyes.

My mom stayed with me all last week and took care of the kiddos so I had some time on my hands.  It’s odd the way children and dogs react to a new “pack leader” even if it’s temporary.  The kids out-performed each other with excellent behavior.  They don’t even try to show off for me, which is kind of nice in itself.  I’m just “Mom.”  Nothing special about plain ole Mom, she’s just Mom.  LOL

The dogs, on the other hand, did not take it so well.  They have these weird dominance fights about twice a year so apparently, with Grandmommy in charge it was time to redo the pecking order.  German Shepherd breeds (all of the pups are GSD mixes) are so interesting in the way they vie for dominance.  Grandmommy has only had little dogs and never more than one at a time, so she didn’t know that when the dominance play starts – make sure YOU come out on top.  Every time this happens they try and challenge me as pack leader and it’s super important to make it clear that they aren’t going to budge me.

So, dominance play is in session and the blood is shed over position.  Our GSD/Lab, Abbie, always makes sure she comes out on top.  She’s not as big as Nola, but she fights dirty and she’s strong.  Abbie has two cuts over one eye.  Nola, the great Dane, tried to fight both Abbie and Cali, the collie mix, but was quickly put in her place.  She has two cuts over one eye and one cut under it.  Oh well, the tube of antibiotic eye cream for the dogs expires this month, so I may was well use it up.  Cali walked away scot free and smelling like an angel even though she started half the fights.  She’s little but she’s a scrappy bitch.  Now that I’m up and moving, things have settled down with our little wolf pack with the pecking order being absolutely the same as it was last time.

Last week’s score:  Dogs – 1, Grandmommy – 0.

On the other side, Mom did great with the kids.  They made play-do pumpkins and dried them to hang up.  They made velvet art posters.  They played on the computer and went to the pet store to look at the fish.  Mom’s always great with pre-school aged kids and it was so nice to not have to worry about anything.  Mom thinks of EVERYTHING.

I finished some crochet projects so I need to take pictures and put them up.  I finished the uniform skirt for A, finished a bamboo scarf for Shaun, and repaired a ton of clothing that has been waiting on me.  I made Shaun take me to Wal-Mart to get some more of the Caron Simply Soft Eco yarn.  Hobby Lobby had like two choices from that line so I ended up getting some off brand made by Hobby Lobby and it SUCKS.  It’s too waxy and your fingers feel so weird after using it.  The Eco yarn is amazing and hey, it’s made out of plastic bottles.  I got some yarn off of etsy, and I’m still wondering if I like it or not.  The alpaca/soysilk blend is very nice, but the organic cotton is not what I expected.  I’ll have to work with it before I make a decision.

So what’s life like without a uterus?  Exactly the same as with one, so far, but at least I’m not bleeding!  I think it will take some time to realize fully that I will never have another period and I will never get pregnant.  It’s actually kind of comforting knowing that.  Absolutely Not is an answer I’m satisfied with because my mind doesn’t have to analyze it.  Shaun and I ceremonially threw away all the tampons and pads so now I’m just waiting to heal up.  😀  It’s going to be well worth it!