hot messy

17 06 2010

It’s 150 degrees outside here in GA.  In my house, my oasis, it’s about 60 degrees.  The boys both have their robes on but me and Chickpea seem to have the estrogen fueled internal heat going on.  Even the boy cats are out in the sunroom because they think the house is too cold.

I mean, I’m flushed with a heat rash across my neck and my toes aren’t even blue.  They were nice and blue for the doctor visit yesterday so he got to see my Raynaud’s Phenomenon in it’s glory.  My fingers even turned purple for him and my pulse was at 110 bpm.  Thank you body, for not making me look like a liar.  The psoriasis that had disappeared for my last visit even showed up in all it’s grossness.  I really hate my body sometimes.  If I weren’t so damn hot, I’d probably just live in a hut and spend all my money on rum and bullets.  Instead, I try to take care of myself and treat these stupid symptoms.

Chickpea’s aid is supposed to come in just a few minutes so I wiped on some deodorant real quick.  I haven’t bothered to put on real clothes or fix my hair, so I look a little like I rolled out of bed.  I wish I had just rolled out of bed, but today brought me a nice wave of OCD and anxiety.

THEN my right ovary started stabbing me from the inside out!  FUCK!  Since I don’t have a uterus, I tend to forget I even have ovaries.  I like it that way.  They never worked anyways, so why should I pay attention to them like they deserve some kind of internal organ of the year award?  I poked it back a few times and told it to STFU and GTFO.  Then I took a pain pill and a B vitamin (trying to calm my nerves) and I’m trying to ignore it.  I swear, if it gives me another cyst that ruptures, I’m gonna… I don’t know.  I can’t think up something suitable.

I can’t talk about being a hot mess without mentioning my hair.  I’ve been “going natural” which is something I see a lot on the african american blogs I read.  My hair texture isn’t close to that, but it’s definitely mixed.  Lately, I’ve been trying to keep it cut close to my head and having the stylist thin it out with the razor.  I also switched to Aveda products and since then, it’s gone back to it’s natural texture.

That means it’s not quite sure which race box to check either.

The hair on the back of my head sticks straight out.  The hair on top of my head is super volumized and very wavy.  On the sides, some strands corkscrew curl and some just prop up the waves on top.  I just pull it into a Bam-Bam ponytail on top of my head and try and smooth the sides and back down when I sleep.  If I go out, I’ll try and clip it down but it always springs free.  The past few days have been very David Bowie in Space.

What is this post about again?  Oh, hot messes.  I am one.  I’ll try harder tomorrow if my ovary cooperates.

concentric circles

25 01 2010

With everything that’s been going on, lately I’ve been feeling like my world is getting smaller.  I know January is a tough month on a lot of people – it’s too cold, no one has their tax return yet, it’s post-holiday stress, etc…

Basically, it sucks balls.

For a while, I’ve felt like these 4 walls in my bedroom were not only my comfort but my prison.  I really only leave the house to drop off or pick up the kids and sometimes on Saturdays I go to the store.  Emerging into the chaos that is outside this room and outside this house is terrifying.

But lately, there’s been chaos in here too.

I’ve never been one to be able to sit in the house all day even if I did have stuff to do in the house.  It’s only been the past year that I’ve even considered myself a homebody.  It used to be that staying in one place too long made me crazy – that even sitting in a restaurant after dinner was finished made me antsy.

Now I go for days with coming out of the bedroom for a few minutes at a time.  This is so unlike me and I don’t like this new “sits down all day” person at all.

I know how it happened – within 6 months, we adopted our children then I had surgery then the pain still wasn’t gone and this winter has been crazy with sickness, weather changes, terrible migraines and body pain, and basically trying to relearn how to be a family under the “new rules.”

What happened is that my tree got too top heavy and fell over in the storm.  Now, I’ve had to prune it quite a bit so that it’s basically sticks and replant it and give it time to form new roots.

I probably won’t bloom this year and that’s ok.  No loving gardener would expect me to.  I’ll grow some leaves but I probably won’t flower or fruit.  I’ve got to get myself stable so that I can stand up.

Here’s my plan to stability:

1.  Stop expecting myself to make fruit right away.  Sure, I’ve born fruit in the past but this has been a hell of a storm.  If I pop right out like TA-DA! and try and be the person I was before everything happened, I’m just going to fall over again.

2.  Keep reminding myself that weakness is not a sin.  Sure, it’s inconvenient and maybe shit won’t get done but that’s ok.  Nothing serious is going to happen because I’ve got to be propped up for a while.

3.  Start with my inner circle – the room I spend most of my time in.  It’s not a prison, it’s my sanctuary.  Besides, it’s little so even if I can’t conquer the world right now, I can conquer my own little room.

4.  Next, the family home.  Once my sanctuary is right, I can start rebuilding the way the home functions.  I’m an organizer – it’s what I do naturally.  Not just material things, but personal things too.  This will be fixing my relationships with my family and relearning how to make it work.  This is going to be the hardest step.

5.  Start reforming the sphere of influence – basically, re-bond with the people who influence the lives of my family.  Friends, teachers, therapists, doctors, the internet, etc…

6.  ?????


I’m not going to do anything drastic like leave the internet or stop with my hobbies because that would just make the steps harder.  I’ve got to do this gradually – the little bits that add up to a whole lot.  I’ve got to make sure version 2.9 is stable before 3.0 is released with much fanfare.  Right?

Anyways, this will probably take just around a year.  I turned 29 13 days ago so my goal is to have green roots at least extended into the ground by the time I’m 30.

What do you think?

A uterus free life

31 08 2009

I’m 10 days post op.  All the bruising has faded (I looked like I’d been hit in the stomach with a steel donut) but I got a nasty infection in my belly button.  The antibiotics are making me loopy and sick.  Since the surgery, we’ve spent maybe $200 on medicine.  It sucks and what sucks worse is that the nurse who was covering the on-call line was a total ass hat and brushed off my symptoms when I called for more meds.  So, a day later, I’m back in the hospital with an infection, my pulse is at 120 and my temperature is dropping. The doctor at the ER took one look at my tummy and pronounced it infected.  I got ANOTHER EKG and told to drink plenty of water and to expect squirt poops from the antibiotics.  Seriously, I’m fighting for the world record of most EKGs in 14 days.  The memo must have gone out that mitral valve prolapse is a serious medical condition (um, haven’t I been saying this for 10 years?) and I must be triaged directly back into the innards of the ER to have sticky things stuck all over me and all the monitors turned on.  I’m not dying, I just have puss.

Since I’ve been on bedrest, I’ve watched about 1000 episodes of Project Runway and The Rachel Zoe Project.  This is COMPLETELY unlike me.  I do love fashion design and style but I hate the editing of reality shows.  It’s always “so and so is a bitch and we don’t like her” that’s totally blown out of proportion by the production company.  I just want to see what they come up with and how they do it.  I tried watching America’s Next Top Model but I couldn’t stand it.  It went way over my maximum threshold for flakiness.  I can barely stand Heidi Klum on Project Runway.  You can almost see the teleprompter reflected in her eyes.

My mom stayed with me all last week and took care of the kiddos so I had some time on my hands.  It’s odd the way children and dogs react to a new “pack leader” even if it’s temporary.  The kids out-performed each other with excellent behavior.  They don’t even try to show off for me, which is kind of nice in itself.  I’m just “Mom.”  Nothing special about plain ole Mom, she’s just Mom.  LOL

The dogs, on the other hand, did not take it so well.  They have these weird dominance fights about twice a year so apparently, with Grandmommy in charge it was time to redo the pecking order.  German Shepherd breeds (all of the pups are GSD mixes) are so interesting in the way they vie for dominance.  Grandmommy has only had little dogs and never more than one at a time, so she didn’t know that when the dominance play starts – make sure YOU come out on top.  Every time this happens they try and challenge me as pack leader and it’s super important to make it clear that they aren’t going to budge me.

So, dominance play is in session and the blood is shed over position.  Our GSD/Lab, Abbie, always makes sure she comes out on top.  She’s not as big as Nola, but she fights dirty and she’s strong.  Abbie has two cuts over one eye.  Nola, the great Dane, tried to fight both Abbie and Cali, the collie mix, but was quickly put in her place.  She has two cuts over one eye and one cut under it.  Oh well, the tube of antibiotic eye cream for the dogs expires this month, so I may was well use it up.  Cali walked away scot free and smelling like an angel even though she started half the fights.  She’s little but she’s a scrappy bitch.  Now that I’m up and moving, things have settled down with our little wolf pack with the pecking order being absolutely the same as it was last time.

Last week’s score:  Dogs – 1, Grandmommy – 0.

On the other side, Mom did great with the kids.  They made play-do pumpkins and dried them to hang up.  They made velvet art posters.  They played on the computer and went to the pet store to look at the fish.  Mom’s always great with pre-school aged kids and it was so nice to not have to worry about anything.  Mom thinks of EVERYTHING.

I finished some crochet projects so I need to take pictures and put them up.  I finished the uniform skirt for A, finished a bamboo scarf for Shaun, and repaired a ton of clothing that has been waiting on me.  I made Shaun take me to Wal-Mart to get some more of the Caron Simply Soft Eco yarn.  Hobby Lobby had like two choices from that line so I ended up getting some off brand made by Hobby Lobby and it SUCKS.  It’s too waxy and your fingers feel so weird after using it.  The Eco yarn is amazing and hey, it’s made out of plastic bottles.  I got some yarn off of etsy, and I’m still wondering if I like it or not.  The alpaca/soysilk blend is very nice, but the organic cotton is not what I expected.  I’ll have to work with it before I make a decision.

So what’s life like without a uterus?  Exactly the same as with one, so far, but at least I’m not bleeding!  I think it will take some time to realize fully that I will never have another period and I will never get pregnant.  It’s actually kind of comforting knowing that.  Absolutely Not is an answer I’m satisfied with because my mind doesn’t have to analyze it.  Shaun and I ceremonially threw away all the tampons and pads so now I’m just waiting to heal up.  😀  It’s going to be well worth it!

IEPs, EKGs, pre-ops and pre-school

12 08 2009

I finally figured out how to use RSS feeds and it’s great stuff!  My brain is so off right now. Thank God for Google making everything easier.

The pre-op appt with my primary care doctor went fine yesterday.  My pulse was high (105) which is normal for me.  My BP was so low the machine couldn’t read it, which is normal for me.  I weighed in at 129 lbs which is NOT NORMAL for me.  That’s about 10 lbs heavier than normal.  My EKG was fine and just showed the high pulse – which was normal for me.  So, the only thing that was worrisome is my weight and that’s probably from the endo and the fibroma that the ultrasound tech inflamed.  Dr. H said she’d send all her recommendations to the surgeon and said that I may need to spend some extra time on IV antibiotics just so we don’t have to worry about endocarditis.   My mom had endocarditis last year and that was SCARY.

This morning I walked out of the bedroom – in freaking huge amounts of pain – in search of coffee before the kids got up.  All the kids were up though – and both boys immediately said “Alyssa is stealing food and it’s all under the couch.”  She had eaten 3 peanut and granola bars, a box of raisins, and hidden several other granola bars and snacks under the couch.  She not only had the evidence all over her and caked in her teeth, but told me that she did not do it – that it was Ethan who did it all.  LJ said “that’s a lie.  She was trying to force Ethan to eat some raisins.”  I checked E out and he had minty fresh toothpaste breath and so did LJ.  Grrrrr….

None of us got much sleep last night due to the storms and power outages so everyone was cranky this morning.  E just got sent back to bed for throwing the mother of all tantrums, of all things, so I’m thinking I’m going to take a nap too.  It was so adorable last night.  I walked in with the flashlight to check on the babies and Alyssa had shot straight up out of bed.  She says in her little pumpkin voice “Mommy, I’m scared of lightning.”  She came out to the couch and laid down in between me and Shaun and went right to sleep.  She had her head on Daddy’s lap and her feet snuggled up to Mommy and apparently that’s all it takes to make lightning irrelevant.  I held the flashlight in between my knees and kept crocheting.  I finished another washcloth and have been working on some dish towels to match.  When the power came back on, we were able to get A back to bed and I was able to go to bed too.

So, this morning I had to go meet with the school because they were offering food as rewards in her classroom and had basically told me I couldn’t regulate what she ate there.  I was going to let it go yesterday, but she’s not acting with her brain right now.  This is pure instinct.  I spoke with the school vice principal and it went so well.  Not only can I regulate her diet, I can VERY specifically regulate it.  We have an IEP (individual education plan) set up for Monday so that the school psychologist, the counselor, the principal and vice principal and her teachers all agree – in writing – to meet certain goals.  I also let the vp know that I didn’t think the teachers and lunch room manager had taken me seriously when I talked to them last week.  She HAS to be watched at all times.  We are under a 24/7 safety plan with her because she self-harms.  If she can’t stuff her face, she pulls out hair and cuts herself.  She lies like she breathes and people fall all over themselves to give her things.

They see an adorable little 5 year old.  They don’t see how scared she is that she’s going to be rejected, hurt, beaten, sexually abused, and starved.  They don’t see that she’s had to build up these defenses just to survive and that we’re working every single day to build trust and reassurance that she’s safe.  So, the vice principal understood and I told her that I have all the documentation they need to keep the school covered to follow what I’m asking for.  That we need to make sure that she knows that school isn’t a different “life” than home – that school and home co-exist and the rules don’t change.  They need to make sure that every word and action she sees (she is hyper-vigilant about observing people) reinforces the therapy plan that’s in place.  Right now, they’re thinking we’re way too strict.  Most people do.    They don’t realize the safety the kids get from knowing the steadfast rules and routines.  I have letters from therapists and psychologists, letters from doctors from Emory, years of reports and information, safety plans… we’re trained to be strict because that’s what the kids need.

We weren’t able to get E into a public pre-K (that I approved of) this year so he’s on a waiting list at the same school Alyssa is going to.  Until then, I’m the pre-k teacher!  It’s a good thing I bought the curriculum last year when A was having so many troubles in pre-K that we had to take her out.  He’s so angry that he’s not going to school this year so it may be hit and miss with getting him to sit down for a structured “class time. ”  I have yet to be successful at it but I’ll keep trying.  He already knows all the stuff anyways, he just plays dumb to see if people are paying attention.

Oh well, in 8 days, it will be Mom’s problem to play pre-K teacher and taxi driver.  She raised me and my siblings successfully so she’ll fit right in to the role.  She told me last time she watched the kids “they don’t listen very well.”  That’s crazily funny because they listen 100x better than normal kids – even better than my nephew who lives in her house.  It’s just they aren’t military brats like we were.  From the moment of birth, we knew you not only accepted the routine and chain of command, but thought it was the most natural thing on earth.

It will be interesting and fun to watch.  I’ll have to charge up the video camera and see how she handles it.  She still thinks I’m nuts for adopting three kids – but then again, if you mention her 3 kids, she gets this terrified look on her face and says “I never planned that.”   It’s great fun because she’s so incredibly good at being a mom – she just has no patience for being challenged as alpha female and she’s probably the most stubborn woman on the planet.  I was informed (yes, informed) yesterday that I was going to bring the kids to church after Amber’s birthday party because they were having a puppet show.  I asked if it was going to be one of those creepy “sin and you go to HELL” puppet shows and she said she didn’t know, she just wanted her grandbabies there.  She wants to show them off but she’s too stubborn to admit that she’s super-proud of them.  It’s so damn cute!

I am pissed off!

11 08 2009

Back from the ultrasound appointment.  If you think it’s one of those scan the belly types of things you see on TV, you’re either deluded or have a penis.  Ultrasound machines look like this:

You see that finger shaped probe next to the roll of TP – that’s how they do the ultrasounds.  It works much like a dildo with sonar but normally you don’t use a dildo to poke every single place inside your abdomen.

I’ve been through this before and I was expecting it.  At least they lubricate those things well.  No, the ultrasound isn’t the reason I’m pissed off.  It’s the reason I’m still in pain after two darvocet but it’s not why I’m mad.

I’m mad because the ultrasound CLEARLY showed a septum (makes the uterus Y shaped instead of triangle shaped) but also showed massive amounts of endometriosis and a large cyst on my right ovary.  The tech said it’s very clear why I’ve never been able to get pregnant.

Here’s why I’m mad:  SO WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING SINCE 2004!  Holy shit, didn’t you think that was like pertinent for someone who’s taking fertility meds known to cause cysts and blindness????  I mean if it’s technically impossible for me to carry to term, why didn’t they recommend a surgical solution years ago?  For years and years and years I’ve lived with this constant pain, hoping that my uterus would do it’s damn job and when I finally adopt 3 kids and demand a hysterectomy no one is SURPRISED once they take a look under the hood.  Or inside the hood, as it may be.

Yeah, yeah, it all happens for a reason.  Everything worked out just fine.  It doesn’t make me less angry.  I could fucking break something right now but I need to get ready to go to my NEXT appointment – the one where I get tested for all kinds of BS to make sure I won’t croak on the table.  I hope it goes easily because I don’t know if I can control my mouth today.  I can’t wait to get asked why I never picked up the referral to the cardiologist.  It’s because cardiologists deal primarily with old fat people and I am neither old nor fat.  I’m tired of wearing a damn monitor for weeks just so they can say “we don’t see any electrical abnormalities.”  I don’t deal well with beta blockers and unless they are a cardio-thoracic surgeon, there’s nothing they can do for me even if they believe that my symptoms are “real.”  Because as everyone knows, mitral valve prolapse isn’t a “real” medical problem and dysautonomia is “all in your head and you’ll feel better once you’re not as scared about it.”

Fuck that.  I’m not paying someone a $25 copay so they can think I’m exaggerating how bad it is and do absolutely nothing to help.  If I were a Munchausen or a hypochondriac, I’d be searching out doctors – not avoiding them because they don’t consider my symptoms serious enough.   MVP may be academically interesting (cool, can I hear it click?) but it sure is an annoying thing to not die from.

A quick post before hitting the road

11 08 2009

I have doctor’s appointments all day today.  We start out the fun with an ultrasound then I have a pre-op physical this afternoon.   I’m 9 days from Total Uterine Destruction! Shaun gets his CPAP machine installed today.  Yay for breathing while you sleep!

I know you probably shouldn’t be so excited about getting cut open and having an organ removed, but damn, I’m excited.  I need for NOTHING to go wrong.  The logistics are falling into place very nicely.

The dogs know something is up – Abbie mostly.  Last night, they laid lengthwise across the path from the computer chair to the bedroom door like they were rings of security.  Layers of protection.  I love German Shepherd breeds but they can get really annoying when they team together for the protection of their “package.”  (I’ve been reading military thrillers – can you tell?)  Like any good bodyguard, they don’t pay a whit of attention to what you tell them to do if it’s contrary to their natural instincts.  Right now, Abbie is laying down, but she’s between me and the door – facing the door – and I’m staying in relatively the same spot.  It’s been so lately she won’t let the kids come up to me.  That will be good in 2 weeks when I have stitches, but still, it’s a little excessive.

Cali’s been pulling her Collie tricks lately.  She’ll come up and push her head under my hand so that it catches in her collar and pulls.  She did this the other day when I was on the toilet because she wanted me to go see what the kids were up to.  Of course, when you say “what is it, Lassie?  Did Timmy fall in the well?” she just gives you that “are you retarded?” look.

I better get moving.  I don’t think there’s any gas in the Honda… dammit.  I need gas too!  Is there a Starbucks on the way?

quick and in a hurry

6 08 2009

I had my OB/GYN appt yesterday and it went so unbelievably well!  I thought I’d have to talk the doctor into a hysterectomy instead of trying the months of things that were such a failure in my mom and sister.  I literally don’t think I’d survive hormone treatments, an ablation, or all that other stuff that led up to my family’s hysterectomies.  So I went to the same doctor and gave him the run-down of health problems related to bleeding and he did the exam.

He totally agreed that a hysterectomy would be the best idea and that it be done as soon as possible.  He said it felt like an adenoma in the uterine wall that was causing all the pain and bleeding. ThankyouJesus!  He asked what my pregnancy plans were and I gave him the wtf look.  I’ve got three kids and I totally don’t ovulate.  He laughed and said that’s probably good because a pregnancy for me would most likely be “not low risk.”  I’d be on my back or in the hospital for the entire 10 months, the migraines and heart issues would probably get worse, and the medication I’m on can cause birth defects.  Let’s see… um, no baby maker sounds good to me.

I really like this doctor – he’s funny and sweet and really gives a damn.  He also dealt with my sister successfully and is therefore a saint.  There were a few really funny moments yesterday.  He did the breast exam and said “aw, a rubber ducky!”  I told him that my chest was the bath toy section of tattoos and I thought his eyes were going to bug out of his head.  “W-w-what?”  I had to show him the other boob (he would have gotten there anyways) with the scuba diving turtle.   While he was doing the “down there” exam he said “my stomach says burrrrrrrito.”  LOL!  It’s nearly impossible to laugh when you’re getting a cervical swab though so I just grinned.

My sister is the master of inappropriate comments and I was with Amber during all her baby stuff and all the uterine crap afterwards, so Dr. B knew I’m ok with random shit.  He asked Amber if she really was comfortable with a hysterectomy and she told him “all my uterus does is bleed, cause pain, and produce bastard children. ”  See, I didn’t know this when he asked me the same thing and I said “it’s like 5 lbs of worthless flesh.  When can you go get it?”  Although, I’ll never have reason to tell him to reach on up there and grab the kid by the fro and get him OUT so he’s going to have an easier time with me.

We went through all the health stuff and he pronounced me a healthy 28 year old female, other than the problems with the heart and brain and uterus… lol.  I can’t wait to not have the uterus problem.  I feel trapped by the stupid body and once it’s able to actually heal instead of getting caught up from bleeding only to bleed again, I’ll feel so much better.

My sister and mom are so happy for me.  Shaun is too, but he’s worried about logistics.  He’s a PM, so that’s his natural state.  My dad said “no more grandbabies from my daughters…” I was like, Dad, I know where to get grandbabies!  There’s like 100million in foster care.  (Although, I told the doctor I bought my kids at Wal-Mart.  It’s my standard answer for “where did they come from?”  Wal-Mart.)

So, surgery is August 20th.  Before then, I need to get this house spotless and the kids’ schedules down pat so that the family doesn’t get totally manipulated by my youngsters.  I also need to coordinate who is going to help out on what days during what time.  I need to get my laptop configured and all my TV shows onto a flash drive so I won’t be totally bored during the hospital stay.  My cell is a wireless tether so I’ll have internet but cell coverage is spotty in the hospital.  I’m pretty sure I can unplug for a couple of days… but that may just make me crazy.

Today is open house and kiddos start school on Monday.  Most of A’s uniforms are washed, so I just need to get those separated into outfits.  All the school supplies are bought and packed up in backpacks and ready to go.  E’s the only one that will be home with me during the day, so most of the help I’ll need during the day will be with him and transporting the kiddos to and from school and making meals.  I may need to call the vet and ask for some puppy sedatives for Nola and Abbie.  Either that or duct tape a pillow to my tummy to ward off Nola hugs and just let Abbie do her over-protective “don’t come near my mommy” thing.

I’d better log off and start cleaning.  I’m going to sweep then give each kid a wet magic eraser and let em go at the floors.  They’re closer than I am.  🙂