I want to set a goal about getting in shape but I’m having a hard time picking something. I’m anti-social and I can’t do outdoor activities because of this crazy sun sensitivity. I used to do Choi Kwang Do (1st degree black belt) but when the new speed drills were implemented, it was too hard on my already tachychardic heart.
It’s fun to watch my pulse after watching medical shows. They’re all like “her pulse is 130 and rising! get xxx medicine!” Last time my pulse was under 100 the nurse thought her machine broke because it’s NEVER that low. 130 is a mildly annoying day. I once topped 200 at the hospital (because they stabbed me with a huge needle to take an arterial blood gas test and it HURT) and all the monitors went off and the crash carts came running in. The look on their faces when they saw me sitting up in the bud cussing a blue streak was priceless. Apparently you’re supposed to be dying or some shit when it gets that high. I’m just an over-achiever.
My dad was telling me that he got an exercise machine where you laid on your back and held on to the straps then flopped like a fish. He said it really works too. He lays in the floor for 30 minutes a day and flops around and he’s getting buff.
I want to be muscular and stuff too! Since I haven’t been able to eat as well lately I’ve turned into an interesting mix of angles from my bones and fat pockets. My abdomen looks like a V with a donut in the middle. My butt remains unaffected. It just hangs out there in all its glory and soaks up all the calories the rest of my body wanted.
I even split a pair of jeans in the crotch area this week. They just finally gave in to the pressure like teenagers staying the night at a friend whose parents have a full liquor cabinet.
When the kids were younger I got exercise from chasing my chipmunks on crack around. Now they’re gone most of the day and tired when they get home… and I really don’t want to watch anyone else’s crackhead.
So, friends, have any ideas? I need to find out the name of that fish-flopper-machine but I’m thinking I may start with a lumbar stretcher and an exercise ball.