unwarranted self importance

27 06 2010

My theme for the weekend (and probably the coming week) is unwarranted self importance.  ED pages aren’t SFW, so don’t click this.

When I mentioned this to my family today at Sunday dinner it really shocked my mom.  About 70% of us have birthdays that coincide with major natural disasters and terrorist attacks.  My point is that there are only 365 days in the year and they’ve got to pick SOMEONE’S birthday to kill upwards of 1,000 people.  One family does not hold the reins of fate.  (and if we did, why do we not have more money?)

My personal moments of USI:

  1. Shaun totally kicks ass restoring pipes and creating replacement stems for broken pipes.  Pictures tomorrow (and hopefully a happy customer!)
  2. I cleaned the birds’ cage today and now they won’t sleep in their nest.  They’re nesting under the water bowl.
  3. The pizza guy last night said “what kind of birds do you have?”  Shaun said “how’d you know we had birds?”  The guy pointed at some wire shelving temporarily placed in front of the garage and said “’cause of those cages.”
  4. Our birds would fall through the slats.  They’re like finches but aren’t.
  5. In the time I spent talking to my brother yesterday I got a sunburn.  My brother really doesn’t talk that much.  I am just that sensitive to sunlight.
  6. Nola keeps sucking on my elbow.  I’m going to have a hickey.
  7. This is the most awesome video ever and you should watch it.  We need to harvest crabs directly after this event.  (It is SFW but not in English.)
  8. Spooks, our oldest cat, wants to be held like a baby and loved on unless someone is looking.  Then he’s all “don’t touch me bitch.  I don’t know you like that!”
  9. Trazadone and phenergen look identical.  Mixing them up leads to very weird results.  Being I never did drugs as a teen, THAT was a new experience.
  10. I asked God to make my body act “bad” so I wasn’t a liar in front of my doctor.  It did but now I have psoriasis inside my ear canals and sinuses.  It IS officially psoriasis and not “flaky skin” because a specialist said it.  The doctor also said that cardiologists were idiots because they were basically plumbers.  I agreed.
  11. Then later I got my ass chewed by a former cardiologist and had to smile and nod.  I didn’t tell him that it took a rheumatologist to diagnose psoriasis because he’d tell me I needed a dermatologist.
  12. In both instances, I was told “just put some hydrocortisone cream on it.”
  13. My brother saved a dog’s life but I still don’t know how.  Apparently it grossed out everyone at the clinic he works for which is impressive in itself.
  14. I’ve been listening to a lot of B.o.B and that makes me want to IM my brother (BoB) constantly and be like “hey this BoB guy is talented, yo.”  I don’t know if he insists on the second capital anymore.  My brother, not the rapper.
  15. My 6 yo niece was saved into the Kingdom of God today.  I thought God’s manufacturer warranty lasted longer than that but apparently it helps to buy the extra coverage.  (Is that GAP insurance?  Does Medicaid cover that?)
  16. As I was leaving the grocery store today a lady walked by and said “yeah, she was THERE and she is fucking crazy.”  There being the restaurant 2 doors down.  “FUCKING CRAZY, I TELL YOU.  FUCKING CRAZY!”  I figured if she could be that loud, I could ask questions like who is she?  How is she related to you?  Is she still there?  What’s the difference between plain ole crazy and fucking crazy?  Why are you wearing a dress without shaving your beard first and still walking around yelling that someone is fucking crazy?
  17. If I were Inside The Perimeter, that last question would be irrelevant.
  18. Because OTP, having a beard and wearing a dress is acceptable as long as you shave first.  Have some respect.
  19. The answer to the last three is “because in GA, it’s illegal to buy alcohol on Sunday except for by the drink inside a restaurant.”  If people could go home and get drunk after church there would be no excuse for bearded, dressed people to be out on Sundays.  Thank you Sonny Perdue for watching out for our Family Values.
  20. The women in my family look so much alike that when I found a black and white picture of someone at a formal event, none of us can say for sure who it is/was.
  21. I don’t plan on leaving my house next weekend because these lake people are IDIOTS.
  22. The two happiest days in a man’s life are the day he buys his boat and the day he sells it.  There’s a word for people who own boats: SUCKERS!
  23. The world is going to end in 2012 but Shaun didn’t know why.  I had to clue him in on the joke.
  24. He’ll never live that down.  Mainly because if I told anyone on HIS side of the family I’d just have to explain it AGAIN.
  25. I’ve yet to tell him about the next to last pope.

Why are you still reading this?  Want to tell me your USI list?  Yes you do.  Start typing, bitches!

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