friendly neighbors

22 06 2010

All y’all know our little corner of suburbia has sucked ass lately because you read about morons in the night.  I know that kind of shit happens everywhere which is why I haven’t planned on moving anytime soon.  I HATE moving.  With a passion.

I like my shit where it is.  I like my house and my yard and my stuff.  That’s why it’s MINE.

So what if I’m perched in between Little Mexico, the White Trash Party, and the ‘hood?  I live in a Katt Williams skit.  It works out better than it sounds.  Most of our neighbors are like us – quiet and introverted.  We wave and chat when we see each other but it’s not like we have cul-de-sac parties or anything.

It’s the people the next road over that piss me off.  I’m talking so angry I’m buzzing like a hornet trapped in a cigar tin.  (That’s how the vibrator was invented, btw.)

I have 3 settings on my mad-ometer.  1: middle finger then it’s over.  2: I’mma take some action.  I’ll report your ass to the police, google you, then send some gay porn to your momma.  Phase 2 always leads to me talking and writing like a rapper with good grammar. 3:  The Red Haze.  It’s the flash of recklessness that only lasts for a minute but the stories live on.

< tangent >

I know I have a temper.  Throwing tantrums is one of my best talents and that’s normally at Level 2.  Bully at school? Tell my kid that if he punches the little cunt in the nose that’s perfectly fine with me – and tell him while standing in front of the principal and counselor.  Abusive boyfriend?  Move out the friends’ stuff and steal every roll of toilet paper except for one.  Soak that one and put it back on the holder.  Give the rolls to the drug dealers next door and let em know that the dude with the shitty ass been smacking a woman.  Nothing is worse for business than having the police chasing a wife-beater through the woods with a back-up car parked at his front door.

Even in big business at IRL companies, Level 2 is productive.  Send in the little girl dressed to the nines holding a stack of files.  Forget to tell everyone that she’s smarter than she looks and she looks damn good.  Watch the carnage when someone says something idiotic.  Get what you want.

Just remember friends, before hackers there were redneck engineers.  Where there’s a problem there’s a solution.  It may look like a dryer vent and a coat hanger but it’s really an exhaust system for your car.  Level 2 draws on this genetic memory.  If you want to talk about thinking outside the box, this genetic memory has already cut the box into a race track for Hot Wheels and is making vacuum tubes out of baby bottle nipples.

< /tangent >

I’ve been seething for a little while about the excrement the next road over.  Not only are they loud, but they’re constantly riding 4 wheelers with little kids perched in front of them and getting drunk and shooting fireworks at each other.  Now, I don’t care if they put their own kids in the burn unit but I’ll be damned if they’re doing 45 down my street while my kids are playing outside.  The time they shot a .22 out into the woods Shaun had to hold me down.  Who the hell shoots a gun in a residential area???

I know I’m not the only one sore about this either.  A cop came around a couple weeks ago and told us that the nice citizens had gotten several citations and to just call dispatch if it happened again.  They stayed in line for about a week before they started screaming down our road again.

Saturday we went out and did some necessity shopping.  I had a handful of grocery bags to take in the house when one of those ATVs whipped by.

I saw a red flash behind my eyes, sat the bags on the ground and chased that bitch down.  Level 3, HO!

Later my sister said “Sister!!! Why? The only thing more reneck than a redneck is the redneck chasing the redneck!”

I didn’t chase her down.  I actually stood in the middle of the road so she had to stop.  I waited until she turned the engine off.

“You know, 2 weeks ago a cop came by and told us that due to the increase of stupidity going on ’round here that they’re going to be setting up decoys and sending out more patrols.  People are mad about the noise and someones been breaking into cars.  Just sayin’.”

The bitch put on her “oh no she didn’t” face and cocked her head.  She’s probably younger than me but every second of life showed on her face.  Bitch needs some sunscreen or to lighten up on the meth.  Something.

She said “I talked to that cop and he said as long as we stayed on the road we ok.”  Then she made that smacking/clicking noise that I thought went out of style with 90210.

I just looked at her.  “You know that shit ain’t street legal.”  Then I stepped out of the way and she drove off.  She parked it too.

Then something crazy happened.  Something that has never happened to me – EVER.

The neighbors came out and said “I can’t believe she gave you attitude!”  Apparently our little spat had drawn some attention and they thought it was amazing.  I was CONFUSED.  Why would they think it was outrageous she talked back to ME?  Have they ever seen me?  Maybe I was channeling my Granny who would chase brats out of her yard with a broom.  Maybe it was just Shaun standing behind me looking big as fuck.

If we were a dog, Shaun would be the bark and I’d be the bite.  We’d probably be a maltese with a bad attitude who scared the FedEx guy.

Who knows.  Now the neighbors at the top of the hill wave eagerly when I drive by.  The folks next door said they’d check on our cars when they got home late from work.  We have play date invitations.  A dude told us about how he plays with Nola when he cuts the grass.  It’s just fucking weird.  I’m part of a community that doesn’t live inside my computer and I’ve never worked with.  Most of my friends share a vocation with me – they’re artists and computer people.  My friends are geeks and freaks.  Being friends with neighbors is a little outside my demographic.

If I yelled “DO A BARREL ROLL!” they would just look at me and take a small step away from the crazy geek girl.  I dunno, though.  The lady next door may be online making courage wolf memes while I write this.  You can’t tell internet superheros just by looking at them.  I can’t tell by their wireless networks either.  Only one is unlocked and it’s got a bad signal and is named MYVAGINAHURTS.  That’s probably the one that belongs to the bitch on the ATV.

All it took was getting in front of a bully and not backing down.  It’s like making friends with a big dog – stay calm and don’t back up.  Marry a big man who looks mean.  Forget for a few minutes that you’re a tiny pup and stare down that doberman.  Read more courage wolf memes.  Meet your IRL neighbors.  It’s surprisingly awesome.




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