I’m reading The Spire by Richard North Patterson. Contrary to my title, I’ve not read THIS book before, but the story is similar to others I’ve read. I can’t pinpoint which book I find it similar to right now, but I’m sure it will surface in my brain eventually. It’s a memoir type of story that mingles with a new murder and some theft and college frat boys… I’m not bored with the story. I just think someone else wrote it first and that I’ve read it and it’s somewhere in my library.
My title actually refers to this monotony of mommyhood I’ve found myself in. It’s comforting and fucked up at the same time. I’m living the life I worked so hard to build. I’m at the end result of what I had planned. The next part of the plan is “live the life and enjoy it!”
It’s just hard to quantify joy. There’s no number or date or even data that can identify joyfulness. You can’t make a joy graph. Well, I’m sure you could, but it would probably be boring.
I’m an analyst. I’m a very smart analyst trained in problem solving. There’s no problem and now I’m a little lost. Sure, there’s this lupus and fibromyalgia thing, but that’s more handling the symptoms as they come and trying to live a lifestyle that doesn’t provoke the symptoms. The first part of problem solving is to identify the problem.
So back to the monotony as it is. After midnight last night, I didn’t sleep well. I need to clean the bird cage. My pain level is small enough that I haven’t taken any meds today other than my morning dose of Lyrica. The wireless keyboard on the right side of my desk got some fingernail clippings that were left in the clipper in it (yuck) and now some of the keys stick and sometimes the space bar makes two spaces where only one is needed. My calendar tomorrow is a little stressful, but manageable. The kids are on summer break and I reinstated afternoon naptime. (Yay, nap time!)
Earlier I took a bath and Nola, our Great Dane, opened the door to my bathroom. There’s a reason Great Danes are the inspiration for almost every cartoon dog in the American zeitgeist: they really do act just like a cartoon. They’re expressive, clever, gentle, and act pretty much like the dumbest kid in the gifted class. They’re too smart to be retards but they’re too retarded to be smart. They also have no clue that the rest of the world thinks this about them. They’re mainly happy ass dogs.
MY cartoon dog can open doors. She figured it out on her own… or she somehow communicates with Ernie, our half-Siamese cat, who can also open doors. That thought is fucking terrifying.
Yes, I do need a baby gate.
So, Nola breaks in and looks at me with those big, dark eyes. I say “Nola, go away.” She turned around and tucked her tail as if she was leaving then turned back around and looked at me again.
Yes, our bathroom is so small that one turn of a Great Dane encompasses all the square footage.
“Nola, GO. AWAY.” Nothing. I’m largely ignored around here.
“You can’t get in here with me. Lay down.” I was hoping being on the bath mat next to me would be enough. It wasn’t. She started to look like she was going to get in the tub with me. (It’s happened before.) I snapped my fingers. “Lay down.”
She sat and then she turned towards the door again. “Ok, then. Go away.”
She stood in the door, tail tucked and looked out. I took this as a cue to finish up in the bath and investigate for myself.*
I wash my hair, get dried off, moisturize my face and wrap myself in my towel. Investigation time. I walk out to the living room trailed by a scared cartoon and find Ethan singing at the top of his lungs while drawing on the cat with two markers – thankfully capped – one in each hand. From the scared dog, I surmise that he started on her.
The part that startled me was MY reaction. I wasn’t shocked, surprised, mad, or anything. I just said “Ethan, put them away, NOW.”
Then I got some clothes on, made lunch, and sat back down at the computer. Absurdity has become monotonous.
*From this point, the internet ate my post revisions which made this post way awesomer. Fucking internet. I could fix it, but why? WHY DO YOU DO THIS, INTERNET?
In all actuality, it’s Firefox that’s eating everything lately. FF is about to be the major reason I switch to Google Chrome. It won’t be because it’s awesome – it will be because FF sucked.