I think my sister has been praying for me lately so I haven’t been saying the fuck word as much as I normally do. We’re just going to call this the What? List. Okay?
I know companies didn’t plan to lose their minds right about the time I decreased the dose on the psych meds. Some companies need to fire the ad people taking the psych meds because apparently only people on crazy high doses of SSRIs… really just don’t give a damn.
Either no one cares or the psych meds have this virus that goes off when you start to cut down on their profit. This virus starts streaming “everything is made of suck and fail” at subconscious levels. Especially things that are in your own head. The new phone this weekend – doesn’t suck. The AC being fixed in the house – not sucky! My brain knows this and unknows it at the same time. It’s how Time is “hacked” by 4chan and acknowledge it AND write a follow up a year later AND people actually took credit for doing it!
You crazy people know what I mean. On to the list:
Benadryl: Y’all decided to change your box to back to the 1978 color scheme right at allergy season? Are you kidding? There are hundreds of pine-sperm covered people in the aisles yelling “WHERE IS THE DAMN ALLERGY MEDICINE???? Oh, I thought that was Pepto Bismol. Damn.”
But then, you really did it, Benadryl. You put the type of pill included in the box at the very bottom in a very un-shelf friendly position in this of hot pink. The normal pill is hot pink. THE PILL I’M LOOKING FOR IS CLEAR! Why? I’m allergic to the dye. Who told you there was a such thing at 6 pt font?
It used to say “Dye-Free Benadryl” on the box in big letters at the top but no. Us people ALLERGIC to the dye in the ALLERGY medicine have to hunt through every effing box at the store to find the ones we can take without swelling up. It’s at the bottom, in the back, because seriously – who isn’t immune to red dye #40 already? It’s 2010 people – we’re made of red dye #40. If you go to the hospital for a shot – they’ll give you a syringe full of… clear benadryl.
Needless to say, when the zombie apocalypse comes, my house will be the only one stocked with dye free benadryl.
Apple*: …proving to the world how many different flavors of suck there really are. Just look at the news. Really.
And it sucks even harder that the clock I want for Mother’s Day has an iPod dock in it. IT’S A FUCKING AWESOME CLOCK BEING PERVERTED BY THIS APPLE SHIT! Damn fruit infecting every piece of furniture or gadgetry I own! There’s no way I could buy enough iPods to plug all the fucking docks I already own.
Target: Y’all got real good at creating designer lines in little parts of your store no one shops then putting those lines on SUPER clearance for $3 each. That’s why I love you. I don’t love you for signing up to put out these little lines that should be on the clearance rack the instant they hit the stores. Kinda like WalMart joining Miley and Max Azria (WTF?) but cheaper.
I’m looking at you Cynthia Vincent for Target.
The Nook at Barnes & Noble – and all eBook readers in general: No, I don’t want to know if it can play FLASH FILES. Please tell me you did not call your manager down here to show me the Nook and how it flashes. I don’t care if it blings and I don’t want a mirror.
I want to know if the screen goes black between pages. You know, flash? I understand we’re still in the early generations here but could they have found a better screen?
People who like books normally know how to read.
Books are made of words and words in a row make sentences. Sentences in a column make a page.
People who like books turn pages.
Now, I’m not going to buy one of these THINGS until the Epilepsy Foundation puts their stamp on it. Can you say migraine trigger? Until then I’ve got a PDF viewer and a netbook.
And you iPad people give me a break! You know it’s awesome that you have a great screen but I bet Steve Jobs will break in your house himself if you download a single thing from Project Gutenberg. Even though it’s perfectly legal he’ll send the magic powers of doom to your device to fry its little chips. Because if you own an Apple product he wants everything to be Apple branded and iGutenberg just isn’t catchy. That, and how dare something be free to the public domain! OMG, PIRATES!
That’s why they have a picture of an old ass Palm on their front page that is obviously SOMEBODY’S and isn’t a ripped off stock photo from the manufacturer’s page. It’s because of crazy legal frenzies between the EFF and Apple being the shit our newspapers is made of.
The end of the mall with Spencers and Hot Topic: Alright now, if you put too many idiots with single digit IQ scores in one place we’re going to get a vacuum effect and that’s going to be a HELL OF A MESS TO CLEAN UP, YOUNG LADY!
Normal people have to take drugs to get that level of suction going!
And why did some bitch randomly walk up to me and say “awesome, I love ICP too!” Now, Insane Clown Posse could have fathered you, child – back away from the old people please. Who is apparently me, who actually saw the horrorcore/metal core/rap core phenomena take place. I’m still not sure if she meant the tattoos or the white wife-beater I was wearing or what. I could have sworn I walked out of the house styled more like Eminem and less like ICP, but hell, I fucked up the make-up again!
Then the kid who sold me my new phone (and was obviously an Apple fanboi and very flagrantly stoned) said “cool… tattoos huh. What’s it say? Arson huh? Like to blow shit up and burn stuff?” How do I know he was an Apple boy? He told me when he told me the Android phone I was buying from him was a piece of shit and he sold it on the street after a week. He switched the subject when I declared myself firmly on the Google side of the sea.
Being it was Sunday, I spared him the ridiculously short answer (back to tattoos and off the apple shit, keep up) and gave him the mid-length answer. “It’s based on Acts 2:2. In the Bible.”
“Oh… wow… hard core stuff. You know you can hold fire in one spot with rocks and like stuff. You got to keep it small.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, “otherwise people start thinking you’re a crazy person who walks around really excited about stuff that’s illegal. Like arson. And they’re always picking up rocks for their “circle” and talking about keeping it small enough to hide under a bushel or a basket or something.”
“YEAH!” He’s realizing he’s at work right about now and it’s noonish on a Sunday in the Bible belt. “I wouldn’t want to be a crazy person.”
“But crazy people are more fun to watch!” After that, he kind of shut up and gave me the side-eye. That’s right bitch. I just bought a Samsung. I do deserve the side-eye.
*Apple also seems to have all the smart service people at their Genius bar in their stores. Really. They diagnosed Shaun’s dying iPod and hooked us up with a new one within days. Days!
And none of it had to do with the fact that his wife took it in for “service” and it ended up being 26 days out of warranty. The look I gave them did not say “wow, sounds like an expiration date to me.” I absolutely did not say a word about at least being able to fix a dead hard drive in a non-apple product.
Really, they were really awesome. I almost wanted to buy one but then I’d have to rethink my gas guzzling SUV and I”m not ready for that kind of commitment.