I am pissed off!

11 08 2009

Back from the ultrasound appointment.  If you think it’s one of those scan the belly types of things you see on TV, you’re either deluded or have a penis.  Ultrasound machines look like this:

You see that finger shaped probe next to the roll of TP – that’s how they do the ultrasounds.  It works much like a dildo with sonar but normally you don’t use a dildo to poke every single place inside your abdomen.

I’ve been through this before and I was expecting it.  At least they lubricate those things well.  No, the ultrasound isn’t the reason I’m pissed off.  It’s the reason I’m still in pain after two darvocet but it’s not why I’m mad.

I’m mad because the ultrasound CLEARLY showed a septum (makes the uterus Y shaped instead of triangle shaped) but also showed massive amounts of endometriosis and a large cyst on my right ovary.  The tech said it’s very clear why I’ve never been able to get pregnant.

Here’s why I’m mad:  SO WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN DOING SINCE 2004!  Holy shit, didn’t you think that was like pertinent for someone who’s taking fertility meds known to cause cysts and blindness????  I mean if it’s technically impossible for me to carry to term, why didn’t they recommend a surgical solution years ago?  For years and years and years I’ve lived with this constant pain, hoping that my uterus would do it’s damn job and when I finally adopt 3 kids and demand a hysterectomy no one is SURPRISED once they take a look under the hood.  Or inside the hood, as it may be.

Yeah, yeah, it all happens for a reason.  Everything worked out just fine.  It doesn’t make me less angry.  I could fucking break something right now but I need to get ready to go to my NEXT appointment – the one where I get tested for all kinds of BS to make sure I won’t croak on the table.  I hope it goes easily because I don’t know if I can control my mouth today.  I can’t wait to get asked why I never picked up the referral to the cardiologist.  It’s because cardiologists deal primarily with old fat people and I am neither old nor fat.  I’m tired of wearing a damn monitor for weeks just so they can say “we don’t see any electrical abnormalities.”  I don’t deal well with beta blockers and unless they are a cardio-thoracic surgeon, there’s nothing they can do for me even if they believe that my symptoms are “real.”  Because as everyone knows, mitral valve prolapse isn’t a “real” medical problem and dysautonomia is “all in your head and you’ll feel better once you’re not as scared about it.”

Fuck that.  I’m not paying someone a $25 copay so they can think I’m exaggerating how bad it is and do absolutely nothing to help.  If I were a Munchausen or a hypochondriac, I’d be searching out doctors – not avoiding them because they don’t consider my symptoms serious enough.   MVP may be academically interesting (cool, can I hear it click?) but it sure is an annoying thing to not die from.

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