12 07 2009

I’ve never been big on experimenting with myself or my projects and it’s very interesting for me to have to do it now.  I’ve always been the personality type who thinks through every path, every outcome before deciding on a course of action.  I had one supervisor say “you’re the only one who can tell a train is coming down the tracks before anyone else can see it.”  I get nice Cherokee imagery from that, maybe a DNA memory or trait.

Now I’m experimenting on not only my body but also on my artwork.  It’s very odd and makes me nervous.  With my body, I know that I’m probably more educated in mitral valve prolapse than many of the doctors I’ve visited and I also know how my body reacts to medication.  I hate not having the security of not knowing how it’s going to turn out.

The palpitations have been very bad this past week and they just will not stop.  At least the dysautonomia didn’t kick in badly until around lunchtime on Friday.  I think it’s the heat – July and August always take the steam out of me.  It’s also worse if I’m in pain, stressed, or sick and I got a touch of that stomach bug that went around.  Time for a reboot.

Here’s what I’m trying today:  0.5 xanax with lunch to try and break the cycle of palpitations, 1 dose of CoQ10 to lube up the connective tissues, my B-complex supplement, and potassium to regulate the heart rhythm.  Low potassium is what landed me in the hospital last time with atrial fibrillation.  In 3 hours, I’ll take 2 doses of magnesium – which is a muscle relaxer but also blocks the absorption of other meds – and some calcium and zinc to try and get my blood levels back up.  At bedtime, the magnesium should be out of the way to take my normal nighttime meds.  From now until bedtime, I’m going to push fluids to try and get my blood pressure to level out.

From the different ways I’ve looked at it, this will probably break the cycle of the regurgitation.  After the heartbeat gets back to normal, my pulse should drop, my BP and body temp should go back up, and the crazy nerve stuff should disappear.  When the prolapse gets real bad, I get numbness in my hands and lips, I overheat, and I get dizzy as hell.  Anyone who is around me a lot notices that I have like 30 tubes of Carmex mint.  That’s because I rub my lips together to get feeling back in them and after all these years, I don’t even think about it.  Lips need lube too.

With my art, I’m starting to get out of the gorilla glue phase and I’m wanting to draw and paint more again.  It’s just the style that I had before isn’t really fitting the way I feel now.  I did some minimalist pieces for our living room that get a lot of praise, but I don’t know if I want to keep going in that vein either.  The best thing to do would be to just start drawing and see what happens.  Psychologically, I know that’s what breaks creative blocks – just letting go – but I look at how perfect the new charcoal pencils are in their package and how pristine the paper is and I just don’t want to ruin it with my… crap.

I even know that what I end up with is not crap.  Every portrait I’ve done is still hanging, every painting I’ve done has sold or been donated to family, every tattoo I’ve designed has been inked, and still I feel like it’s immature middle-class drivel.  I’m not looking to make a statement or any of that post-modern self-ironic crap that’s popular these days, it’s just that I’m having trouble finding a subject that makes me happy.  I may spend a few days photographing the doves and start drawing from there.  I have a common thread of avian-love in my paintings.  Most of them are tropical and bright though and the doves are soft and neutral toned except for that bright orange ring around their eyes.

The only wrong thing would be to do nothing, right?  If we do nothing, we don’t have the opportunity to change anything.




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