Dudes may not want to read this post. Fair warning.
I finally called the doctor today about getting my uterus removed. It’s pretty useless to have a reproductive organ that doesn’t actually reproduce, but now it’s trying to kill me. I still had that stupid, stupid hope that somehow after or during the adoption, something would magically happen to get me pregnant.
But now I have three kids and they’re mine like, forever, and stuff.
I just know that it would be dumb of me to wait as long as my mom did to get rid of this nuisance. It’s another fun part of my great genetics – not only do I not ovulate, my body missed the memo on how during my period, I’m only supposed to lose a small amount of the lining that builds up.
When my sister finally had to have hers taken out after a failed ablation, then infection, the doctor was just flummoxed. It happened to my mom in her 30’s too – it just won’t stop bleeding. I’ve been tested for von Willebrand’s, my sister was tested for hemmoragic infection, and all our horomone levels have been checked like 100 times. There’s just something wrong that makes no sense.
I was in the bath for like 45 mins last night and soaked a super-plus tampon and when I pulled it out, it was like pulling the plug in a bathtub. I seriously grossed myself out for the first time in forever. Then this morning, I woke up covered in blood like some weird pyscho horror movie. At least the way I was laying, it didn’t get on the light color sheets – that happened last month and I’m sure our mattress pad could do without any more stains.
I’ve reached the point of not hoping for any miracles. My 3 babies are miracle enough, even though they didn’t come from this fucked up uterus and I’ll never know what they were like as infants. I’m giving up thinking of embryo adoption or even trying other treatments that we didn’t get to before the migraines started. I’m giving up on hoping that my sister will donate her eggs, because mine suck when my body does decide to ovulate.
Why am I so upset? It’s not like I WANT a 4th child or even feel an overwhelming need to be pregnant. I saw how hard it was on my sister and her birth to her son was way more than enough to want me to ever give birth. It’s just a chapter of my life that’s officially over. I’m no longer in the process of family-building. Now, I’m part of a family.
God, when you said fearfully and wonderfully made, why’d you forget my uterus?