I love pharmaceuticals! /sarcasm

19 06 2009

This headache today has turned into a migraine.  I thought this morning “I hope this isn’t going to be a migraine.”  It seems like my earliest warning sign is grumpiness.  If I wake up grumpy as hell, I’ll have a migraine by noon or so.  Sometimes.

Sometimes, I’m just grumpy.  The problem is that in order for migraine abortives to work at their best, they need to be taken as soon as the first symptom sets in.  How do you do that with “grumpy”?  By the time the next symptom sets in – jaw pain and pain in the back of my head – I have about 10 minutes before I lose vision in my left eye and about 20 before the mind-numbing pain sets in.

So, the thing that would make the most sense would be to use the meds when I wake up abnormally grumpy, right?  Sun is shining, birds are singing, kids are happy and sweet and I’m still grumpy – take the meds.  The problem is that Zomig nasal spray costs about $10 per dose WITH insurance and they give me the hiccups.  I also get the other side effects like freezing cold (not too bad when it’s 95 degrees outside), tingling, nausea, irritability, etc… that normally come with triptans.

My choice now is deal with the migraine the old fashioned way and just sleep until tomorrow or… have the hiccups for the next 48 hours.  I wonder if my doctor ever wonders why I ask for refills on darvocet and meloxicam twice as often as I do for Zomig.  Half the price and half the side effects beat out being able to drive or think for the next 8 hours.

So, here’s my list, so far of meds that I’m in the “rare” category on and also the list of why no one will ever want me on their drug trial:

Codeine:  uncontrollable vomitting

Topamax:  I stopped sweating

Maxalt: made with aspartame and aspartame makes me tingle all over so badly I hate to wear clothes or be touched

Imitrex: doesn’t work at all – not even injections

beta blockers: make me pass out at random intervals

calcium-channel blockers: give me a rash

… there are more, but those are the ones doctors are most interested in and are hard for me to remember.  Last time I was swept away to the hospital because my heart went ape-shit again the ER doc said “but there is a cure for MVP – beta blockers like propanolol.”  I gasped out “I’ve tried atenolol and propanolol and both made me lose consciousness randomly.”  He looked at me like “well, shit.”  Then ativan for the panic attack the chest pain gave me, potassium for the atrial fibrillation… some Tao philosophy about the chicken and the egg that had something to do with panicking only making it worse and I was sent on my way.

I guess it’s good I can’t reproduce.  I have mitral valve prolapse – everyone on my mom’s side of the family, my siblings, and all their kids do too – that regularly acts up with any sort of stress or chemical.  My dad has neurocardiogenic syncope (sometimes his brain forgets to tell his heart to beat) and got a pacemaker at 38.  Add in the tendency for brain cysts, ovarian cysts, skin problems, terrible eyesight, OCD, allergies to any sort of insecticide, and then the laundry list of problems that come from being fat (on my dad’s side) and I don’t know why anyone would want my genetic jackpot.

Oh yeah.  I’m gorgeous, have a great IQ, and women in my family tend to live until their late 90s and have super-fast metabolisms. Even my great-grandma who is in her 90s and is fairly senile looks like she’s 60.  I think I should sign up for one of those genetic database groups that compare y0ur DNA to your health history and see if it really is just sucks to be me or if I have some sort of evolutionary trade-off going on.

I need Dr. House to tell me that it’s all about whether you choose to be pretty or healthy, but I don’t think I really get a choice.  I know I’ll have plenty of time to tell myself it could be worse – a lot worse – while I keep myself occupied with not going to the hospital once a week.

It’s a wonder ER nurses don’t hunt me down and beat me.




One response

23 06 2009

You cracked me up with this one! The “Medical Treadmill” is what I call this nonsense. Keep the faith! …AND STAY AWAY FROM THE HOSPITAL!

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