It actually started two days ago, but I was so busy it didn’t matter. Busy is good for folks with OCD – you don’t have time to dwell on the malfunctions in your brain.
I have a killer headache right now and I feel absolutely manic. I slept last night the only way I could. I laid down next to my smallest child and laid my head against his and focused on how great he smelled – sandy, sweaty, with hints of fresh cut grass, and all out little boy – and I slept until 10 this morning with thoughts of quantum potential and the limitation of supercomputers to act as a brain.
After the sleepy wore off, the OCD kicked in: Sweep floors, sweep floors, sweep floors. The polyurethane coat on the kitchen table looks like shit – need to fix it. My hands are dirty. I spilled coffee, have to wipe it all up. People are talking about me! I know it! That blog comment from two days ago is stupid. I’m stupid and should think harder before writing stuff. Need to cover up the arson tattoo for court. What should I wear? I bought a dress… I bought a dress and it’s sleeveless. Oh God. The house isn’t clean and I’m the only one who cares. My hands feel sticky and I need to hem the boys’ dress pants. Where are all these cars gonna park? I need a cigarette. I don’t smoke. I need to put some rum in my coffee but that would make headache worse. I need to finish these favors but my hands are shaking and they’re dirty.
I took some medicine and I think I’m going to lay down for a while. I’ll wear the dress I bought to family day today and enlist my sister’s help in figuring out an outfit.
The problem with having OCD is that you KNOW your thoughts are nuts. I wish I were just blissfully crazy and absolutely sure that my crazy was the sanest anyone has ever been.