Weird Words

While some of these are terms my family and I coined, others are simply uncommon terms and phrases I overuse.  Many people look at me funny for using these in real life but I have this uncommon love of confusing people that makes me cherish those moments.  On the internet, though, people read too much into my stupid little words and phrases and jump all over me for bastardizing the English language.  It’s not that I mean to be politically and socially incorrect, it’s just that, well… I’m not really all that politically and socially correct.  I have this amazing and unconcious ability to offend just about everyone I meet in some way.  I don’t believe it’s something wrong with me – I believe that the world is just too sensitive.

I do hold a high moral standard for myself and my life but I do not see the harm using a word like ‘retardidity’ causes a person other than a mild sense of shock and emotional distress because they either exhibit signs of being a retard or know someone who is a retard and therefore have earned the right to be offended.  If I were to stop shocking and emotionally distressing people, I’d have to learn a new language, buy a new wardrobe made out of burlap sacks, and sit in a quiet room all by myself.  That’s not going to happen.  Trust me.

This glossary is for your good so that you can get a sense of my humor before you dive head-first into my blog and start gasping and saying things like “Dear Lordy, bless her heart!” and “my God, did she just say that?”  I am a nice person, but sometimes I just get fed up with the silliness that exists in the world and have to call the world out on it.  I tend to be terribly blunt sometimes and my internal censor doesn’t work very well, so this poorly written glossary is my own version of low-rise jeans.  It’s meant to cover my ass, but if I bend over too far, I may just show some crack. 

*note: I was born and raised in the South, and my speech and writing show it.  When I’m being cute, I’ll sometimes write Southernisms phonetically.  If you don’t understand a word used in my blog, try saying it out loud very slowly and with a twang.  That should help.  If not, leave a comment and I promise to only make a small amount of fun of you while defining it.

guerrilla yard-saling – a tactic of rescuing hostage books for the common good that involves recon tactics, psychological evals of the enemy, evasive maneuvers, and sometimes, outright bribery.   Tactics are further discussed at random intervals in the main blog.

retardidity – a very versatile word normally used as a guage to measure the levels of “thpecialism” in any given human or process. 

Millennial – a person of the generation born between 1980 and 2000.  Also known as Generation Y, Gen Next, Nexters, and the iGeneration.  Millennials are incredibly tech savvy, love working in teams, highly idealistic, and grew up being told that each of them could be a rock star, superhero, astronaut, or president.  We also saw every one of our heros either be destroyed by the media, admit publically they weren’t who they said they were, admit to steroid use, get caught killing their wife, and ruin their lives while climbing the ladder to be a rock star, superhero, astronaut, or president.  So, we’re cynical and most of us want nothing to do with the fucking ladder while still striving to be perfect.  It’s no wonder that Millennials are prescribed more antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs more often than all the other generations combined.  

abused book – any book that has been thrown away, harmed, or stored in a box for more than a year in a garage, basement, or other damp nasty place.  Also, any book that has not been given the necessary things to sustain bookdom like fresh circulated air, cleanings, homes, and occasional human interaction.

bibliophile – a person when confronted with the choice between her books and her husband would choose the books every time. 

liberal - dirty hippy, grup, anarchist, bleeding-heart, or any other term that has more to do with small-group idealism than liberty.

thpecial – the equivalent of riding the short bus in school.  Most commonly used when grups tell me “everyone is special in their own way” and I reply “special or thpecial?  Are you saying I rode the short bus?”  Second most commonly used when I do something really stupid as in “I’m thpecial!”

grup – ganked from The New York Times.  It’s short for grown-up and means a grown-up who hasn’t ‘grown up.’  Most often, the Gen-X supervisors I work with who insist on wearing skater shoes with slacks.

gank – to steal in a non-malicious manner.  I gank a lot of words and phrases.  I also gank fashions I like.  I once ganked a book from the library.

liberate – to free by any means necessary.  My most often recourse is bribery and negotiation tactics.  Money, if offered in cash, is not normally turned down.

‘true Christian’ – someone vastly wrong about the state of the spiritual world and where they fit into it.  Anyone who calls themselves a ‘true Christian’ out loud needs to be liberated from the human race because they are too thpecial to live with the rest of us. 

The Black Plague – a common black mold that infects books when they get and stay damp.  For books, it is the plague, except there is no cure other than to amputate the mold (if it’s only on a page or two) or quarantine and destroy the book so that it cannot infect others.  Being this is a wholly avoidable event, people should be smacked for allowing their books to get the plague.

Tighter than skin on a weenie – a little heard Southernism that I tend to like to say with an overstated drawl.  It simply means very, very tight.  Duh.  If you still don’t get it, go find a hot dog or an aroused man.  Either works.

Shakin’ like a chihuahua trying to pass a persimmon seed – a little heard Southernism that I credit my dad with making so incredibly funny.  For the dense, imagine it now – you have a tiny dog with a tiny butthole who can’t quite squeeze that spikey seed out.  Got it?  Most often this is used to describe a poorly maintained car or what you do when it’s colder than a witch’s titty outside.