quick and in a hurry

I had my OB/GYN appt yesterday and it went so unbelievably well!  I thought I’d have to talk the doctor into a hysterectomy instead of trying the months of things that were such a failure in my mom and sister.  I literally don’t think I’d survive hormone treatments, an ablation, or all that other stuff that led up to my family’s hysterectomies.  So I went to the same doctor and gave him the run-down of health problems related to bleeding and he did the exam.

He totally agreed that a hysterectomy would be the best idea and that it be done as soon as possible.  He said it felt like an adenoma in the uterine wall that was causing all the pain and bleeding. ThankyouJesus!  He asked what my pregnancy plans were and I gave him the wtf look.  I’ve got three kids and I totally don’t ovulate.  He laughed and said that’s probably good because a pregnancy for me would most likely be “not low risk.”  I’d be on my back or in the hospital for the entire 10 months, the migraines and heart issues would probably get worse, and the medication I’m on can cause birth defects.  Let’s see… um, no baby maker sounds good to me.

I really like this doctor – he’s funny and sweet and really gives a damn.  He also dealt with my sister successfully and is therefore a saint.  There were a few really funny moments yesterday.  He did the breast exam and said “aw, a rubber ducky!”  I told him that my chest was the bath toy section of tattoos and I thought his eyes were going to bug out of his head.  “W-w-what?”  I had to show him the other boob (he would have gotten there anyways) with the scuba diving turtle.   While he was doing the “down there” exam he said “my stomach says burrrrrrrito.”  LOL!  It’s nearly impossible to laugh when you’re getting a cervical swab though so I just grinned.

My sister is the master of inappropriate comments and I was with Amber during all her baby stuff and all the uterine crap afterwards, so Dr. B knew I’m ok with random shit.  He asked Amber if she really was comfortable with a hysterectomy and she told him “all my uterus does is bleed, cause pain, and produce bastard children. “  See, I didn’t know this when he asked me the same thing and I said “it’s like 5 lbs of worthless flesh.  When can you go get it?”  Although, I’ll never have reason to tell him to reach on up there and grab the kid by the fro and get him OUT so he’s going to have an easier time with me.

We went through all the health stuff and he pronounced me a healthy 28 year old female, other than the problems with the heart and brain and uterus… lol.  I can’t wait to not have the uterus problem.  I feel trapped by the stupid body and once it’s able to actually heal instead of getting caught up from bleeding only to bleed again, I’ll feel so much better.

My sister and mom are so happy for me.  Shaun is too, but he’s worried about logistics.  He’s a PM, so that’s his natural state.  My dad said “no more grandbabies from my daughters…” I was like, Dad, I know where to get grandbabies!  There’s like 100million in foster care.  (Although, I told the doctor I bought my kids at Wal-Mart.  It’s my standard answer for “where did they come from?”  Wal-Mart.)

So, surgery is August 20th.  Before then, I need to get this house spotless and the kids’ schedules down pat so that the family doesn’t get totally manipulated by my youngsters.  I also need to coordinate who is going to help out on what days during what time.  I need to get my laptop configured and all my TV shows onto a flash drive so I won’t be totally bored during the hospital stay.  My cell is a wireless tether so I’ll have internet but cell coverage is spotty in the hospital.  I’m pretty sure I can unplug for a couple of days… but that may just make me crazy.

Today is open house and kiddos start school on Monday.  Most of A’s uniforms are washed, so I just need to get those separated into outfits.  All the school supplies are bought and packed up in backpacks and ready to go.  E’s the only one that will be home with me during the day, so most of the help I’ll need during the day will be with him and transporting the kiddos to and from school and making meals.  I may need to call the vet and ask for some puppy sedatives for Nola and Abbie.  Either that or duct tape a pillow to my tummy to ward off Nola hugs and just let Abbie do her over-protective “don’t come near my mommy” thing.

I’d better log off and start cleaning.  I’m going to sweep then give each kid a wet magic eraser and let em go at the floors.  They’re closer than I am. 

Girl Stuff

Dudes may not want to read this post. Fair warning.

I finally called the doctor today about getting my uterus removed.  It’s pretty useless to have a reproductive organ that doesn’t actually reproduce, but now it’s trying to kill me.  I still had that stupid, stupid hope that somehow after or during the adoption, something would magically happen to get me pregnant.

But now I have three kids and they’re mine like, forever, and stuff.

I just know that it would be dumb of me to wait as long as my mom did to get rid of this nuisance.  It’s another fun part of my great genetics – not only do I not ovulate, my body missed the memo on how during my period, I’m only supposed to lose a small amount of the lining that builds up.

When my sister finally had to have hers taken out after a failed ablation, then infection, the doctor was just flummoxed.  It happened to my mom in her 30’s too – it just won’t stop bleeding. I’ve been tested for von Willebrand’s, my sister was tested for hemmoragic infection, and all our horomone levels have been checked like 100 times.  There’s just something wrong that makes no sense.

I was in the bath for like 45 mins last night and soaked a super-plus tampon and when I pulled it out, it was like pulling the plug in a bathtub.  I seriously grossed myself out for the first time in forever. Then this morning, I woke up covered in blood like some weird pyscho horror movie.  At least the way I was laying, it didn’t get on the light color sheets – that happened last month and I’m sure our mattress pad could do without any more stains.

I’ve reached the point of not hoping for any miracles.  My 3 babies are miracle enough, even though they didn’t come from this fucked up uterus and I’ll never know what they were like as infants.  I’m giving up thinking of embryo adoption or even trying other treatments that we didn’t get to before the migraines started.  I’m giving up on hoping that my sister will donate her eggs, because mine suck when my body does decide to ovulate.

Why am I so upset?  It’s not like I WANT a 4th child or even feel an overwhelming need to be pregnant.  I saw how hard it was on my sister and her birth to her son was way more than enough to want me to ever give birth.  It’s just a chapter of my life that’s officially over.  I’m no longer in the process of family-building.  Now, I’m part of a family.

God, when you said fearfully and wonderfully made, why’d you forget my uterus?

My uterus sucks

I started my period today and it sucks.  Estrogen sucks.   Even in my thought process, every other word is “fuck.”  Shit, damn, fuck, and grrr.  Women in my family don’t have the gene that makes periods normal.  It’s always super-painful and leaves us with a dangerously low blood count.  My sister had a hysterectomy last year, and she’s 3.5 years younger than me.  I’ve just been holding out for some cosmic recompense in the whole fertility thing.  I think I’m on pain pill #7 and it’s just cd1 of this bitch.

I hate that I can’t stop thinking in terms of cycle days.  I hate that I know egg whites are the best lubricant for when you’re TTC.  I hate these damn horomones and I hate the damn cyst on my brain that clomid left me with.

At least I don’t have to pass on these stupid genetics.  The blue eyes that sparkle because the curve on my cornea causes me to need -5.25 contact lenses.  The high metabolism that keeps me thin but is caused by a heart defect that leaves me abnormally sensitive to EVERYTHING.  I hate that I’m 28 and I’ll probably have a pacemaker and no uterus by the time I’m 38.

I think I’m gonna pout.

One week until Adopted!

We have one week until we finalize the adoption on our children!  It’s going to take the strain off of us in so many ways.  Our kids will finally have a forever family, we finally won’t have to report every little incident, we don’t have to worry about random people deciding that we aren’t good enough to parent these kids and calling DFCS about us.  I’m looking forward to having friends again.  I’m looking forward to being able to enjoy a beer in the same town as my kids’ school without people being able to say something.  I’m looking forward to my kids not feeling strange because they have different names from us.

I’ve been reading a lot of blog posts, as always, but this time more on the change of birth certificates.  A lot of people view it as identity theft.  Adopting at birth may be that way… but for my kids, it feels more like they’re going into Witness Protection.  Completely without our urging, they deliniate their lives before and their lives now.  Old mommy and new mommy.  Old life and new life.  It makes me think of baptism, really, and they did it all on their own.  No matter how much we or the therapists try and get them to understand that it’s all the same life, they still have that mental differentiation.

8 foster homes, 1 group home, and the longest court case in the history of mankind… and in 7 days we’ll be a normal family.  Well, as normal as we can be.

And if after 10 years of marriage, 8 years of TTC, 2 years of fostering, and now that we adopt – if I get mysteriously knocked up, I’m gonna cuss the hell out of God.  Only 3% of couples get pregnant after adopting and I’m damn tired of hearing “after you adopt, you’ll finally get pregnant.”  No, I don’t want to get pregnant any more!  I want a hysterectomy!  I don’t want stretch marks!  I do want a 4th kid, but I want to adopt him or her.

So, you hear that God?  No funny stuff with my ovaries, ok?